extrinsic-phenom’s blog

I learned three things today:

nobody@vox.com(extrinsic-phenom) — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 21:04:58 -0800

1) I am a weak person with a strong personality.
2) People are not meant to be as close as I think they are meant to be.
3) Contradicting what has been told to me, hope has its uses.

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Hypothetically speaking...

nobody@vox.com(extrinsic-phenom) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:57:20 -0800

"I finished Tuesdays with Morrie the other night and an interesting scenario came into my head:

Envision Morrie living longer with the massive publicity he had. Normal people he knew would continue to see him, enthralled with his empathy. Celebrities would see him, enthralled with his ability to reduce everyone to the same level and see them for what they are inside. People would have to make appointments. Morrie would become iconic. People would start to try and top each other with their "humanity" and "ability to be human" and fight each other for who has the most favor in his eyes and who is the favorite 'pupil'. Try and impress him, which wouldn't work. Kill in his name. Morrie would die understanding them but the fights would escalate. His point of understanding would be lost in the melee...

Sound familiar?

empathy and understanding can bring with it a certain kind of destruction, too....."

(from my RL journal)

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- Me 1/2/9

nobody@vox.com(extrinsic-phenom) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:51:09 -0800

" I saw the last leaf hanging off of a tree today and two thoughts came into my mind;

the first was a compliment - How strong! It held on through the weather and pressure to stay firm where it was, despite its pressure, despite odds and the changing seasons.

The second was - It's held on too long."

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My Moral Code (Verbal doodles)

nobody@vox.com(extrinsic-phenom) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:49:15 -0800

I've been thinking this over for a while now. I've taken Ethics; I know a little teeny bit. What I don't believe is that there is a strict moral code. Not one that works for all people everywhere. But I do believe that we can mix and match moral codes and have it work. Regardless of what the ethical scholars believe - that is, that we cannot swap aspects of moral codes - we do that every day to survive. If the scholars believe in their own rules anyway, we are currently all ethical relativists until there is an absolute, anyway.....[Here are the moral codes I use]

But first I want to address animals. They are nihilists because they have no moral code but it has been proven that they are indeed moral agents in their own right. Animals have saved people and felt some semblance of something called compassion, but they lack the foresight and self-awareness they need to have a strict moral code unto themselves. So they have 'nothing'. And they function well enough this way, but in a society setting, there has to be some moral/ethical sense to function..like a pack of wolves or monkeys. I also want to compare animals in this sense to infants, because they too are moral agents without foresight.

My moral codes are: Nihilism, existentialism, Kantism, Utilitarianism and Nihilism again. My reasons are as follows:

Nihilism: We begin with nihilism before and during infancy..moral agents but completely dependant on family and without foresight or the ability to predict and incapable of making informed moral decisions. We begin and end life without this consciousness and the undertone of life is the fear of returning to the unknown, the nothing. Nihilism punctuates our lives but does not operate it -- few souls can operate in life only under this principle during a lifetime. It's near impossible to have a lack of moral code in this day and age. Also it is the overtone of life, because there is so much diversity that it becomes chaos which is one of the hgh notes in the concept of nothing. Basically, there is no meaning until you put it there --- but, lucky you! -- society has already put it there, which leads me into the next part:

Utilitarianism. The main point for utilitarians is "Whatever is good for the masses", sacrfice one for the many, etc. Democracy is a Utilitarian product and the majority's voice is definitely one to be heard. However, the needs of the minority are also needed to be heard so a strictly Utilitarian approach cannot work..Strictly utilitarian minds would see Jesus Christ himself asbeing immoral because he was defying the masses at the time....and he IS quite an influential moral icon now, so.....

Kantism is useful on an individualistic level. The focus is brought down from the masses to the individual quite nicely with "If it were okay for everyone to do this, would society still be able to function?" It's useful for bringing responsibility down to YOU. The rule of not using anyone as a means to an end is also good, too. So it's character-based...not just on results of actions, but also you are responsible for the reasons behind your decisions...

Relativism (On the descriptive level) is also important. The theory states that everyone's moral theories are different. It widens the capacity accept other people and their beliefs. However, in the ethics community this theory is not a good one....but people will continue to be diverse no matter what is said..

During a lifetime, everything happens between birth and death, and so many ignore what is at the beginning and end. Butt he most complete personalities I know have accepted and come to terms with that and let that chaos spice their lives... It should not be ignored.. it should be embraced in moderation ... life is not complete without a proper beginning and end and knowledge thereof. Hold everything but know that it is finite...

* Everything subject to change.

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Dear Nihil;

nobody@vox.com(extrinsic-phenom) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:17:12 -0800

"I wonder if you can tell when I'm really talking to you versus talking to the 'ideal' of you anymore. I wonder if there's a big difference anymore.

Happy New Year."

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New Year's Resolutions for '09

nobody@vox.com(extrinsic-phenom) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:15:41 -0800

1) Be more responsible
2) Learn how to motivate myself
3) Be more a part of my family
4) Spend more time spiritually connecting to my creative process...and knit
5) As always, lose weight
6) Try to be more decisive
7) Journal
8) Decide on seeking therapy
9) Think really really hard about that modeling job
10) Learn how to manage my time better

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- Twilight

nobody@vox.com(extrinsic-phenom) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:12:51 -0800

"When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end."

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- Morrie

nobody@vox.com(extrinsic-phenom) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:11:45 -0800

"Don't let go too soon, but don't hang on too long."

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Stick Shift

nobody@vox.com(extrinsic-phenom) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 23:30:19 -0800

I had been planning for a week to go over to your place and tell you...but the roads and ice are far to dangerous, this was the day I was going to do it, but I don't want to crack my head open on the way over there...

I am so sorry for hurting you                  ...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From:
Date: Dec 21, 2008 4:11 PM

[omit]; I sort of knew.

I like you but you've lost respect from me in that you weren't honest right away. I'm not one for "fluffing" things until it's comfortable to let go, if things are let go. We could have done a lot of things under the guise of being in a relationship just over the holidays, and it still would have ended up the same: I'd be at my mom's house, and you'd still have to dump me online on fucking MySpace. Then I'd be dumped and at my mom's. And then possibly with a lot more regrets than I have now.

I have to think about what I want to be to you. I think I still want to be friends but I'm not sure yet. I hope that in the future you're more open. I recognize you were trying to consider my feelings but I'm still a bit upset.

I'm sorry that things went as far as they did. I was trying to get closer to you because I felt that somewhere you weren't all with me.

And I was hoping that our relationship would warrant more than a MySpace breakup. I was hoping HOPING that I had earned enough respect to have it told to me either in your own voice over the phone, or face to face. Holy shit.

Umm.. I really can't think of anything else to say. I'm glad I figured it out myself, I guess you can stop avoiding me now.

closing comment "Well, THAT didn't last very long."

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Stick Shift
Date: Dec 21, 2008 3:41 PM

This is why I've been so "busy" lately...

                , I jumped into this relationship to quickly...Tia hadn't even been gone a month before I started to be with you, and even at the time, I wondered if it was the right thing to do, I really like you                 , and I don't want anything about us to change...but I came into to this far yo quickly and I regret not waiting...I should've waited and made a clear decision later, which is what I don't do, because I'm head-strong, and I don't think things through, I just go with the flow and push on forward knowing full well what might be at the end of the road for me.

I really hope we can be friends still                 , I wanted to wait 'til after Christmas to tell you...So it wouldn't ruin your holidays...I like you alot                 , but I should've waited longer to make such a rash decision, and I apologize for that.

See, me and Tia broke up, but I thought SHE was the one that didn't want to be with me, I was apparently wrong, I was very distraught because I still liked her...for some reason her constant bickering and telling me what to do is what keeps me with her, think of Scrubs, where Dr. Cox is married to that women, and yet they always fight and make fun of each other, but they both respect each other a great deal.

I guess what I'm saying is                 ...That I should've waited for Tia like I said I would, and I've always thought this would come back to bite me in the ass, I love your family, they make me so very happy...and so do you, I don't want to lose any respect from any of you...I just hope you can all realize that I didn't think this through before I started dating you, I'm going to miss coming over to your house at 12AM and just chilling, and I can only ask for your forgiveness...and that you don't resent me for my decision...

I'll miss you, I can only hope you still want to be friends with such a brash, hard-headed, dense person such as me...
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From:
Date: Dec 21, 2008 3:25 PM

I went to look at your MySpace profile and I saw that Tia had commented that she loves you recently.

I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything dumb like that and I'm not the kind of person to prevent you from talking to anyone for any reason, but I think that if there are still feelings going on there, that I'd want to know..

I feel badly for intruding and asking questions like this, but I'd feel worse if I let something like that go ignored and and up suspecting or hurting later on.

I can respect that you're busy lately and that you can't talk to me. Take your time. I just wanted to let you know that I'm concerned.

Take care.

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Edie Brickell

nobody@vox.com(extrinsic-phenom) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 19:33:30 -0800

Baby baby black & blue, time sure took a toll on you
What you what you gonna do tomorrow

Oh the world has got you down cry your heart out on the ground
Gimme strength to pick you up and keep you from dying
Give me strength and give me love
I can never have enough
All I want is someone who will never stop trying

Baby baby black & blue time sure took a toll on you
What you, what you gonna do tomorrow
I don't wanna see you cry got to make you realize
You got more to give me than your sorrow

Yes, yes, yes, yes you do now
Yes, yes, yes, baby, yes you do now
Yes, oh yes, yes you do
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes,
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes you do

Far away in my first dream visions that are lost to me
Touch me when I'm touching you ever so gently
Can you feel it yes you can
Just give me your little hand
I will show you someone that you never thought you'd be

Baby baby black & blue time sure took a toll on you
What you, what you gonna do tomorrow
I don't wanna see you cry got to make you realize
You got more to give me than your sorrow

Yes, yes, yes, yes you do now
Yes, yes, yes, baby, yes you do now
Yes, oh yes, yes you do
Oh yes, yes, yes you do

There's a big door with a little window
And the big world is peekin' through
Lay your head here on my pillow
I want to take care of you
There's a big door with a little window
And the big wide world is peekin' through
Lay your head on my pillow
I want to take care of you

Yes, yes, yes, yes I do now
Yes, yes, yes, baby, yes I do now
Yes, oh yes, yes I do
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes,
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes I do

Oh the world has got you down cry your heart out on the ground
Gimme strength to pick you up, pick you up, pick you up
Oh the world has got you down cry your heart out on the ground
Gimme strength to pick you up, pick you up, pick you up

Baby baby black & blue time sure took a toll on you
What you, what you gonna do tomorrow
I don't wanna see you cry got to make you realize
You got more to give me than your sorrow

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