Posts (page 2)
I've been thinking about how confusing friends are. How do you classify friends? Is it right to classify friends into categories, although you know for a fact that you will confide in some and trust in some a lot more than you would trust in others? When you rank them, is it by importance and by how much you care about them? I never liked the idea... so I'm thinking about changing it for myself, into something more flowing and (I hate the word balanced) fair.... maybe just for me... but comparing them to the phases of the moon.
The importance level is never called into question, but it allows me to categorize into who I am comfortable sharing my more personal problems with compared to who I would just say hello to in the hallway.
Waxing - the moon is growing larger in the sky, moving from a narrow crescent just after the new moon towards the full moon.
The waxing moon grows from right to left and is called the 'right-hand moon' - the crescent is like the curve between the right-hand's index finger and thumb.
Waning - the moon is decreasing in size, moving from the full moon back towards a crescent as the new moon approaches.
The waning moon decreases from right to left and is called the 'left-hand moon' because of its similarity to the curve on the left hand.
Gibbous - during the phases between the First Quarter and the full moon, and between the full moon and the Last Quarter, when more than half of the disc is illuminated.
New Moon
The new moon occurs when the sun and moon are in conjunction, occupying the same part of the sky from the viewpoint of earth. During this time the moon doesn't reflect the light of the sun, and so cannot be seen (except during a solar eclipse). The moon's un-illuminated side is facing the earth.
1 New (also called the Dark Moon) - not visible
2 Waxing Crescent
3 First Quarter - commonly called a "half moon"
4 Waxing Gibbous
5 Full - we can see the entire illuminated portion of the moon
6 Waning Gibbous
7 Third Quarter - another "half moon", but the illuminated part is opposite of the First Quarter
8 Waning Crescent
9 New - back to the beg
Yes, I have too much time to think between terms........
Actually this was inspired by a dream I had.. I only remember that part of it, too... faces of friends shining with half-light, or little light, or their whole face illuminated, and my voice saying "she's a half-moon friend" ... or something to that effect.
This is only me, however.. I'm not saying everyone should think that way. I'm just trying my best to eliminate the annoyances of rank that have been lurking in the corner of my mind....
Your loveliness and the hour of my death.
O that I could have possession of them both in the same minute!"
Also this year, another first: Scientists have produced a blue rose capable of growing in the wild. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/japan/3329213/Worlds-first-blue-roses-after-20-years-of-research.html
"..Following the cultivation of test batches in the United States and America, the company will be ready to sell them from next year and aims to open up a global market for blue flowers worth an estimated 30 billion yen.
Having been cultivated for more than 5,000 years, as many as 25,000 different species of roses currently exist, although colours are traditionally limited to red, pink, yellow and white.
A blue rose has long been synonymous with the unattainable, from signifying unrequited love in Chinese folklore to its Victorian era connotations of symbolising a quest for the impossible."
I don't know about anyone else out there, but I think that in light of this, I will associate the Blue Rose to Barack Obama, someone who beat the odds and touched a nation that was otherwise blinded in its apathy. This year, the unattainable has been attained, the quest was conquered, and a new era was rushed in.
Democrats have the house... we will see the Change we have bled for.
Something beautiful was cultivated and grown...
when you change your point of view to underfoot
very good
you may be flat but you're breathing
and there's no doubt he's at home in his room
probably watching porn of you from the fall
it's last call
and you're the last one leaving
and you thought you could change the world
by opening your legs
well it isn't very hard
try kicking them instead
and you thought you could change his mind
by changing your perfume to the kind his mother wore
o god _____ why?
i never met a more impossible girl....
in this same bar where you slammed down your hand
and said “Amanda, i'm in love”
no you're not
you're just a sucker for the ones who use you
and it doesn't matter what i say or do
the stupid bastard's gonna have his way with you...
you're an unrescuable schizo
or else you're on the rag
if you take him back
i'm gonna lose my nerve
i never met a more impossible girl....
i never met a more impossible girl....
at four o'clock he got off
and you called up
“i'm down at denny's on route one
and you won't guess what he's done”
is that a fact _____?
larry tap let you in through the back
and use his calling card again
for a quick hand of gin
you are impossible,_____: the princess of denial
and after 7 years in advertising you are none the wiser
you're an unrescuable schizo
or else you're on the rag
cause if you take him back
i'm gonna lose my nerve
he's gonna beat you like a pillow
you schizos never learn
and if you take him home
you'll get what you deserve
so don't cry _____
you're still alive _____
you need a ride ______?
let's see how fast this thing can go.....
Not-internally there have been other problems that have been plaguing me as of late, most of them ...normal. Boys. What the hell... boys have never been my problem before, at least not in the way that affects me personally and my ability to sleep at night..(not that way, as in, worrying).. this is brand-new to me, and amusing in the ordeal that it is creating for me.
First off, I am vaguely aware that my draconian may not be the one for me. I've always sort of figured that it might be the case, but it has never intruded in my ability to live in contentment or to love him in the fucked up, round-about way that I can love someone, although I'm sure it has been very hard on him.. but all of this may come to term soon, and I may end up making a decision as to what end I may be wanting go to as far as 'us' is concerned. this disappoints me; he's always been there for me and I have always been his special fucked-up bundle of love but in all reality, I can't have the white house with the picket fence, I can't have the children, I can't live the normal life of love and debt and for that I am truly sorry but that is what he needs and what I cannot help provide for him. This will be the end of us. The subject has come up about one moving in with the other, and to my own amazement I found myself balking at the idea of someone else in a dwelling with me and sleeping with me every night, being so close.. sends a shiver down my spine. At the age I'm at especially, but in general too...and I think that, once I decline, the rest is just downhill. He will lose his faith in us soon after, and go find himself a nice mate who wants the same life he does. Why am I not sad of this? I'm happy for him really, he doesn't need to spend the rest of his days telling me which direction is up.
It also does me no good that he is the only one who wasn't ...that could listen to me ramble about it. I often beat myself up for not treating him nicer just for that reason. I also wish that it wasn't him who could listen.
The second part of ths story is that amazingly there may be another to worry about. I am not accustom to having crushes - In fact, I have had only one within the last four years that was not Johnny Depp - but I think that not only do I have a crush on him, he returns my affections. He is smart, intelligent and funny; and he has a mind-boggling capacity for affection that I am unused to knowing. He is close to me, unlike my draconian. The only problem is that his situation is very similar to what mine may be in the next 18-20 months if I am not making the right choice in life paths. He has invited a loved one to live with him, and he cannot tolerate is and now they are economically bound and she is lovebound but he isn't; and he wishes to move on but that would require her to live in some unsafe conditions. He has told me of his affections ... I do not question his honesty when he tells me where they really are. For now we are platonic, until something happens or until I make my decision. What an awful place to be.
Still, I believe that we are compatible in most ways.. I cannot help but doubt any long-term out of this. I am still not quite the type to be in love with. I am balking at any commitments that may be made even if we were clear to express our feelings in the open, I don't know what I'd do with myself if I actually had stability put in front of me..
And so, I have choices to make...I hope that doubt does not force my hand to give up everything all at once..
Also, the annoying wiccan has decided that he is indeed in love with me, and though I've made it clear that I will never quite feel the same for him, he still calls me every 12 hours. What am I to do? I end up making small talk..
I've always had a problem with writing down my 'true' feelings. I never can really do that, I always leave some mandatory part of myself or my opinion out of the picture, something truly important to understand how I feel.. even when I look back on my previous journal entries, either here or on paper, I never really know what I was feeling at the time.
The truth is, I hate to write in general.
It is for this reason that, when I am at my most pensive, I tend not to record anything in favor of trying to commit the days to memory.. and also this will make me lose all the important parts of my life, I will look back on myself and see the novelty version of it, dumbed down for some perceived audience that does not exist, and I will think that that is who I was...
..effectively changing who I am now? We'll leave that up for debate, and see...
My days have been upset again in their flow, my thought patterns have gone the way of the wind and I cannot keep a theme going for my life. I can keep the bare minimum of arrangements; I do not want to be around people if I am not in school and have been locking myself up with my art and my mind and worries elsewhere, as I fear the very few who could possibly return and elaborate on my thoughts with me are also gone the way of the wind and I have to work to keep them close...
I have been given leave to write my novel, and so have become a sort of journalist for the two that I love more than anything... but it is also my intimate belief that in order to keep myself objective I must be just that, an objective belonging to existence, an observer and a seer and nothing more than that until the appointed time in which I may begin writing, I only hope that on that day the words write themselves because my fear, that I put myself in there too, where I do not belong..
My draconian said something interesting to me last night. He probed me to look back on what I offer people...and I realized that whatever it is that I sometimes do for some people, I just see it as a joke.....but to whomever is talking, it means something...and I am amused by this..
Still yet I am not writing what is really in my head and I cannot...
But I will say that from these days forward I will be what I am, to the best of my ability, plus a journalist for their behalf, and I will write myself a novel when the time comes..
And I have decided, that I want Yelena's tattoo instead of the transient smile, as it fits, I think, what I am doing...
Second 1:
Q: What would you call a leopard named Billy who just fell down a 600 foot ravine into a squirming pit of dead ducks covered in leprosy once owned by a Pizzeria?
A: In this case-- you would refer [to] the unfortunate soul as "Bad Luck Billy"!!!
Second 2:
Q: What would someone like you end up with if, say, for the sake of argument (or more accurately---for the sake of this particular joke), that you were a scientist working in the field of experimental bio-engineering and you made an erstwhile effort to genetically cross JFK with KFC?
A: All of our best data indicates unequivocally that you would get John Fitzgerald Chicken.
Second 3:
A mountaineer who just returned from scaling Mount Kilamanjaro walks into a bar and asks for a free drink. The bartender, sensing an ominous chill in the air says "well sir, I can't give you a free drink, but I can give you five jokes in five seconds."
"Shoot" replied the crest fallen mountain man. It was at this time in the joke that the admittedly jumpy barkeep pulled out his pistol and beat the mountaineer to death in five easy blows.
Second 4:
It seems there was this elephant who decided to get a part time job at a bakery* to save up to buy a toilet. When he showed up to the interview the manager asked the elephant what qualifications he had to work a part time job. As the elephant passionately laid out his extensive retail and patisserie experience, the manager interrupted the him curly exclaiming, "Wait - if you buy a toilet, and flush your business - what will the poor dung beetles eat?"
Just then the elephant straightened his tie and this beauty of a zinger orally into the ether: "They shall eat your finest croissants," the elephant intoned, "And doubtless that they shan't taste the diff."
*you should know that this particular bakery is known for the unusual poor quality of its croissants
Second 5:
The Pope, a bear, a rabbi, a pirate, a diplomat, a midget, a woman in a coma, a pelican, and your mom were all relaxing on an Eames chair after a furious fortnight of group hate sex when there was a sound at the door. "Knock-knock" went the sound emanating from the door.
Simultaneously, and without missing a beat, and answer broke like a desperate yowl from the throats of the ogiers: "Who's there?"
Like a shot from the butt gun of a pre-radicalized 1920's anarchist, came a response from beyond the door, "Banana."
Faster than a duck could rape a lizard in the mouth, our motley crew of freakazoids safely ensconced in the luxury of their designer seatlery, shook their heads and bleated as a unit, "Orange you glad we've already heard this joke and so shan't participating (unless of course you are offering substantial financial remuneration)." There was no reply from the other side of the door, save this: One absolute rascal of a fart.
It's 8:30 and it's dark.
Happy New Year.
Stuff I COULD do today:
- Take a shower
- Do the dishes
- Clean Levi's cage
- Tidy up room
- Go through my laundry and sort through my stuff vs 13's stuff
- Homework
- Feed the snake
- Email my teachers about make-up schedule
- Check out which books I need for school and go and ask Grandpa for a loan for them
- Clean living room
- Draw that one picture of the cute girl in the venus fly trap that's been bothering me
...Or just watch more anime.
