He never came.
And I am only now going to bed.
I slept by the door. (He knew I would)
13 scares the living shit out of me sometimes... poor girl... her mother's setting her up for failure and she's buying it hook, line and sinker.. I won't be able to hold her and through everything.. and sometimes I wonder if her success is going to come down to that... I don't want her to run away from what she has to do...
I hope when the time comes, I won't end up running away from what I have to do, too..right now, I sure as hell could and not feel a thing from it. But, I can't keep looking in that direction.. it's too easy...
I've been visiting La fee Verte less and less.. but I have to say.. going to the Japanese gardens while still talking to Thujone is still an enjoyable experience.. I even brought home some incense to keep that feeling with me..
I brought my Devil a gift.. I'm glad he liked it..
But I don't like the picture I brought back from my first trip. She's too serious. the second one has actual feeling to it. and he's a boy, but just for me. The rest will see him as a girl..I like it.
Angel of War won't talk
What else... Relatives.. yes. There are relatives that I like. He's prodding, but in a childish curious sort of way. I like to answer him and watch his expressions change. She's a little intense, but seeing as her mother just died, I can overlook it. Though I don't think she likes to believe me. He does, though. The kids are beautiful by the way. Maybe a trip to the other side of my world is in order, to see them. I've always wanted to go see what Hell is like firsthand.
My poor mother.
I can see through his eyes and he can see through mine.. my heart feels like it's going to rip open and expose itself right here and right now.. and if it hurt any less than it does this exact moment, I would be able to cry, but as of now.. it's just a pain.. it's a pain as familiar to me as the love I have for him..it's so familiar.. and in his absence .. I even missed the pain for him as much as I missed the being...as much as I missed the feeling I get being around him..
I am missing my Fairy and my Angel with all my soul.. and moreso because I can't tell when or if I will see them again.. write it down in the books while I can still write, remember it while I still have a memory, run with it while I still have a heart..
I wish I were quiet enough to hear him between the lines anymore.. I wish I could humble myself enough to make him believe me. I wish I could be something new to him.. my soul cannot contain the love I have..it will destroy me..
Accept it and run
I'm home.. I don't really want to write right now
It was just as I thought, though. They weren't at the gate, and I was hardly welcomed with a 'Hello' when I got into the car. All this resentment.. you can stick a fork in it and it'll stand, the air was so thick.
Ah well. No one can see beyond what they perceive is reality.. I can't hold it against them.
What else. . . . .
Nothing else..
Absinthe is legal in the US again. The brand is called 'Lucid', it's wormwood Absinthe. There's a black cat on the bottle. I had to laugh.
It was just as I thought, though. They weren't at the gate, and I was hardly welcomed with a 'Hello' when I got into the car. All this resentment.. you can stick a fork in it and it'll stand, the air was so thick.
Ah well. No one can see beyond what they perceive is reality.. I can't hold it against them.
What else. . . . .
Nothing else..
Absinthe is legal in the US again. The brand is called 'Lucid', it's wormwood Absinthe. There's a black cat on the bottle. I had to laugh.
When I fell asleep last night I fell into a world in which Loki was already dead.
Even though I don't have the same feelings for him as I did, he still impacts my life and we are still friends; but I walked into a world where I loved him and only him and when he had died I lost all purpose and meaning and didn't care, and the thing was that I wasn't very surprised at his death as I wouldn't be in life - I just simply lost my cause and didn't give it a second thought, jumped a train to Frisco where I knew Spider would be waiting, even though I would bring her the news, she would greet me with sad eyes and already know. And so we were in the same boat together, lost, upset, soulless and without cause; and of course the most amazing things happen under these circumstances...
It turns out that she was just 14 at the time and already lost in the streets of Frisco, already among the soulless creatures that wander there, and I dutifully followed her as my last link to him, and out of love for her..I would just be 13 at the time and I wouldn't know that she has school that she hardly attends, or a makeshift home; she wouldn't let on of that until three days after our plunging headfirst into a series of bus rides and mingling and stealing, laughing the empty knowing laugh of mortality (in both senses of the word), bumming and digging the dreads of sore life and just living, living, living, no longer bounds by the care to live that prevents one from having fun in the purest sense of the word..
We got lost.. found our way back.. went further and got loster and fell together and didn't care, didn't care.. all this because of our love for him, our lost and crazy angel, our beloved Angel of Death and all his childish woes that brought him to his unnecessary end and we didn't care, we lived for him.. I would hold her on the city streets, anonymous nothings, and she would in turn hold me, and we would grieve by way of life, allowing our position in the city to reflect our feelings instead of expressing them ourselves, where we were would explain everything for us..
She decided the next day we'd go to school, for fun.. I agreed, and we walked in unnoticed, held each other and hating everyone in their ignorant happiness because that is what you do when you are 14..we giggled, we were lost enough to scare those in their right mind and we loved it, together.. Lunch was a fun time, scaring little children..
After school she turned to me, her sadness having a point, something we never discussed yet.. "Are you ready, now?" she asked me, knowing that our time of recklessness was over and it was time to address the real problem and finally accept and move on, and accept head-first and all the way KNOW that he is gone, dead, and we will never know him again, and celebrate that he made his goal and mourn his death as only she and I could do, together.. I loved her and how she knew the right time to transition and I nodded and followed her to the edge of town, to an industrial site that by looks was uninhabited but was in fact swarming with the Lost People, Our People.
She lead me out to a muddy area out back with a hut made of stolen sheet metal and stolen pillows and blankets, and innumerable trinkets caked in mud and she told me, "All of this I shared with him, and some you have shared with him, are you ready to accept?" My heart felt stone-cold and hollow. I didn't cry as I sifted through the things; we were one by one destroying everything that had to do with him until only our minds burned with memories that we would share with no one..
I was fine, giving these things to the fire that heated us and recognizing once more the Circle that encompasses us, and he was giving us warmth in our grievance and I came upon a set of four journals and looked through them, and realized that they were something that he and I used to write notes to each other.. his words were tender to me, and I looked up and it was spider and she told me, "They were so sweet, I stole them from you, I had to use these to remember you while I was out here..."
I couldn't give these up so easily, it was here I cried, HE WAS GONE, I would never see him again. Spider was calm, she was secretly wishing she could cry as I was, and she watched me in silence for a long while.
It was here I woke up, and now my heart is aching, and I miss my West Coast, this landlocked town is making me ill..
Even though I don't have the same feelings for him as I did, he still impacts my life and we are still friends; but I walked into a world where I loved him and only him and when he had died I lost all purpose and meaning and didn't care, and the thing was that I wasn't very surprised at his death as I wouldn't be in life - I just simply lost my cause and didn't give it a second thought, jumped a train to Frisco where I knew Spider would be waiting, even though I would bring her the news, she would greet me with sad eyes and already know. And so we were in the same boat together, lost, upset, soulless and without cause; and of course the most amazing things happen under these circumstances...
It turns out that she was just 14 at the time and already lost in the streets of Frisco, already among the soulless creatures that wander there, and I dutifully followed her as my last link to him, and out of love for her..I would just be 13 at the time and I wouldn't know that she has school that she hardly attends, or a makeshift home; she wouldn't let on of that until three days after our plunging headfirst into a series of bus rides and mingling and stealing, laughing the empty knowing laugh of mortality (in both senses of the word), bumming and digging the dreads of sore life and just living, living, living, no longer bounds by the care to live that prevents one from having fun in the purest sense of the word..
We got lost.. found our way back.. went further and got loster and fell together and didn't care, didn't care.. all this because of our love for him, our lost and crazy angel, our beloved Angel of Death and all his childish woes that brought him to his unnecessary end and we didn't care, we lived for him.. I would hold her on the city streets, anonymous nothings, and she would in turn hold me, and we would grieve by way of life, allowing our position in the city to reflect our feelings instead of expressing them ourselves, where we were would explain everything for us..
She decided the next day we'd go to school, for fun.. I agreed, and we walked in unnoticed, held each other and hating everyone in their ignorant happiness because that is what you do when you are 14..we giggled, we were lost enough to scare those in their right mind and we loved it, together.. Lunch was a fun time, scaring little children..
After school she turned to me, her sadness having a point, something we never discussed yet.. "Are you ready, now?" she asked me, knowing that our time of recklessness was over and it was time to address the real problem and finally accept and move on, and accept head-first and all the way KNOW that he is gone, dead, and we will never know him again, and celebrate that he made his goal and mourn his death as only she and I could do, together.. I loved her and how she knew the right time to transition and I nodded and followed her to the edge of town, to an industrial site that by looks was uninhabited but was in fact swarming with the Lost People, Our People.
She lead me out to a muddy area out back with a hut made of stolen sheet metal and stolen pillows and blankets, and innumerable trinkets caked in mud and she told me, "All of this I shared with him, and some you have shared with him, are you ready to accept?" My heart felt stone-cold and hollow. I didn't cry as I sifted through the things; we were one by one destroying everything that had to do with him until only our minds burned with memories that we would share with no one..
I was fine, giving these things to the fire that heated us and recognizing once more the Circle that encompasses us, and he was giving us warmth in our grievance and I came upon a set of four journals and looked through them, and realized that they were something that he and I used to write notes to each other.. his words were tender to me, and I looked up and it was spider and she told me, "They were so sweet, I stole them from you, I had to use these to remember you while I was out here..."
I couldn't give these up so easily, it was here I cried, HE WAS GONE, I would never see him again. Spider was calm, she was secretly wishing she could cry as I was, and she watched me in silence for a long while.
It was here I woke up, and now my heart is aching, and I miss my West Coast, this landlocked town is making me ill..
That about sums up my mood right now. I had to take a couple of days to calm down before I actually wrote this; my disbelief could have made for some words that I could regret (Threats? Not beyond me when I'm in psycho mode, even if I don't mean it). I knew and sensed that something was incredibly wrong between Kristina and I and I was right in that regard, more right than I knew or cared to actually believe.
The second responsibility that I bestowed upon her when I left and promised to come back and take care of early if she didn't want to handle, the care of my beloved python Ghost that she promised to handle, who was already sick and needed extra food, she let him go 3 weeks without eating.
He's alive and he has eaten 2 weeks in a row yesterday night, but that was under the initiation of my best friend and not Kristina; Kristina completely gave up on feeding him, and 13 had to not only initiate but finance the feeding of my poor baby, and I'm out of my head worrying over him, and this cements it, Kristina and I are no longer friends, and I cannot be friends with someone who will make a promise point-blank and not go through with it, and let an already suffering animal suffer further until he is almost starved..
I don't feel sorry or wanting for her affections anymore; she is untrustworthy, and no longer has a place in my heart.. I'd help her if she needed help, don't get me wrong; I'm not inhumane.. but friends is too much to ask of me.. and she already wants no part of me to begin with..
I had to wire 13 some money, and my poor boyfriend will finance him until I get my Aide in and can pay for it and pay him back.. I am amazed that she would let her resentment solidify in the suffering of an animal..
So I am resolving to be 99% more self sufficient when I get to my house again.. I will no longer ask her for anything I cannot ask simply an acquaintance for...she's strange to me now.. She is not who she used to be.. I've realized and accepted this. She will not help me. I am accepting this now. She does not care about me. I am accepting, and I do not have to MAKE her feel anything for me, I will let go, and move on..
I will not bring this up that I do not trust her with my baby anymore, I simply will make damn sure that Eva has the provisions needed to take care of him by herself when the time comes.. I can trust her..
My poor baby.. my poor, poor baby.. I am dreaming about him at night.. I miss him so much..
The second responsibility that I bestowed upon her when I left and promised to come back and take care of early if she didn't want to handle, the care of my beloved python Ghost that she promised to handle, who was already sick and needed extra food, she let him go 3 weeks without eating.
He's alive and he has eaten 2 weeks in a row yesterday night, but that was under the initiation of my best friend and not Kristina; Kristina completely gave up on feeding him, and 13 had to not only initiate but finance the feeding of my poor baby, and I'm out of my head worrying over him, and this cements it, Kristina and I are no longer friends, and I cannot be friends with someone who will make a promise point-blank and not go through with it, and let an already suffering animal suffer further until he is almost starved..
I don't feel sorry or wanting for her affections anymore; she is untrustworthy, and no longer has a place in my heart.. I'd help her if she needed help, don't get me wrong; I'm not inhumane.. but friends is too much to ask of me.. and she already wants no part of me to begin with..
I had to wire 13 some money, and my poor boyfriend will finance him until I get my Aide in and can pay for it and pay him back.. I am amazed that she would let her resentment solidify in the suffering of an animal..
So I am resolving to be 99% more self sufficient when I get to my house again.. I will no longer ask her for anything I cannot ask simply an acquaintance for...she's strange to me now.. She is not who she used to be.. I've realized and accepted this. She will not help me. I am accepting this now. She does not care about me. I am accepting, and I do not have to MAKE her feel anything for me, I will let go, and move on..
I will not bring this up that I do not trust her with my baby anymore, I simply will make damn sure that Eva has the provisions needed to take care of him by herself when the time comes.. I can trust her..
My poor baby.. my poor, poor baby.. I am dreaming about him at night.. I miss him so much..
