Fuck everything before this. I'm going to do something different. I'm going to get personal here. I haven't done that much before now, but I really need to get this out of my system, and I can't talk to anyone bout it just yet.. I probably will soon, this is certainly a lifechanging flurry of emotion.
I'm sitting here in a nondescript hotel room in Tucumcari New Mexico, trying to hold back tears. It is 7:06 where I am, 6:06 at home and 8:06 where I want to be.
I have.. I have had a friend online for the last six years of my life. We "met" in 2001 on some stupid chat room. We found each other again somehow when that first chatroom went down -- By chance on the Internet, without any personal information about each other, not so much as an email address exchanged between the two of us at the time -- And we never stopped talking since. We have had regular phone and online conversations for about 4 1/2 to 5 years now, and we've had a very.. rocky and troubling long-distance relationship for the last three years. I had no faith in us, because long-distance relationships are always doomed in my eyes. But somehow we've managed to keep it going for this long despite my doubts, because I am very much in love with this man's mind, and he is very much on live with me. this is despite some setbacks we've had with 'real' relationships, we've had breaks to try and date other people, but always within just a few months we're talking again like nothing happened. We both know that a face-to-face relationship is best; we've tried them, but it just doesn't work. We're always together again in a relatively short period of time.
Jut a short period of time ago I met him for the first time, face-to-face. I spent four days at his house and we were at once working as a unit. It was certainly hilarious to behold, I'm sure - Some watered-down city girl getting down and dirty helping a farmer do his job, not caring if her shoes get scuffy, and (Gasp!) enjoying herself and talking lively as she works. I had fun, I worked, I got sweaty, and we talked for hours about everything and nothing and had fun doing all the 'real' relationship activites that we've missed out on like canoodling and kissing.
The time came for me to leave, and I certainly had that tug on my heart that told me I didn't want to go, but I also had another tug.. I tug I wasn't expecting to feel..A tug that told me that I really and truly want to stay with him. He can't live where I live, the city is not his place, but I could adapt to his world and work with him, and have a lot of fun at that. In fact I expect it would be a little too easy to adapt to his lifestyle. I wanted - Still want, actually, even though I'm a good few miles from him and should have had enough time to regain my senses - To tear off the fabric of the demanding urban life and just function the way he does, with him.. Forever. I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. Neither of us were expecting to uproot the other and ask or persuade to ('come to the dark side' we've joked),but honestly, now that I've seen him I really don't want to be apart from him anymore.
Now the problem: I just started going to College fulltime. I AM still just a young woman and I don't know that if worst came to worst I'd be able to entirely fend for myself, which is a heavy thing to know but still something I must keep in mind. I'd have to transfer a fair amount of miles away to start over somewhere different, not to mention that my family is still in a bizarre medical state of affairs, and my mother.. I don't even want to get into that ..
I'd have to burn bridges and sacrifice a lot to get where I want to go, but even though there are a lot of risks I'd be taking on a risk of a relationship, I really don't doubt that it would be rewarding to me in the end, for both of us. Part of me just wants to hop the next bus back to him right now without so much as a goodbye to my friends and family, but the rational part of me wants me to stay at home and just work on my education.. but I never have been happy. I never even got a break between high school and College, really, and I did want one, just to assess where I am and where I want to go in life.
I don't want to wait, is the problem. I really don't. Something is telling me that I would be truly happy with him. We've got energy together, we've got a connection.. I can't even begin to describe how much of a loss I am feeling right now, and so alone without him.
Even my horoscope today is agreeing with me. Something along the lines of New Life Goals.
It's a question of the heart versus the mind, and rationality versus love. It's a battle that I'm afraid.. I'm afraid I may end up sacrificing a potential career .. to be with the one I love.. and the scary part... the truly scary part to me .. is that I really don't care.. I really DO want to catch the next bus back. I really DO want to just show up in what I'm wearing and declare myself a part of his household. I'm afraid that I wouldn't miss the things and the people that I have become accustom to back at home. And that hurts..
So it's the age old question of obligation versus happiness..the soap-opera love story unfolds with me as the protagonist..and I want to be the happy maiden who follows her heart in the end..however..there is a lot in my way..
Wish me luck.... and let us hope I'm not just an idiot..
I'm sitting here in a nondescript hotel room in Tucumcari New Mexico, trying to hold back tears. It is 7:06 where I am, 6:06 at home and 8:06 where I want to be.
I have.. I have had a friend online for the last six years of my life. We "met" in 2001 on some stupid chat room. We found each other again somehow when that first chatroom went down -- By chance on the Internet, without any personal information about each other, not so much as an email address exchanged between the two of us at the time -- And we never stopped talking since. We have had regular phone and online conversations for about 4 1/2 to 5 years now, and we've had a very.. rocky and troubling long-distance relationship for the last three years. I had no faith in us, because long-distance relationships are always doomed in my eyes. But somehow we've managed to keep it going for this long despite my doubts, because I am very much in love with this man's mind, and he is very much on live with me. this is despite some setbacks we've had with 'real' relationships, we've had breaks to try and date other people, but always within just a few months we're talking again like nothing happened. We both know that a face-to-face relationship is best; we've tried them, but it just doesn't work. We're always together again in a relatively short period of time.
Jut a short period of time ago I met him for the first time, face-to-face. I spent four days at his house and we were at once working as a unit. It was certainly hilarious to behold, I'm sure - Some watered-down city girl getting down and dirty helping a farmer do his job, not caring if her shoes get scuffy, and (Gasp!) enjoying herself and talking lively as she works. I had fun, I worked, I got sweaty, and we talked for hours about everything and nothing and had fun doing all the 'real' relationship activites that we've missed out on like canoodling and kissing.
The time came for me to leave, and I certainly had that tug on my heart that told me I didn't want to go, but I also had another tug.. I tug I wasn't expecting to feel..A tug that told me that I really and truly want to stay with him. He can't live where I live, the city is not his place, but I could adapt to his world and work with him, and have a lot of fun at that. In fact I expect it would be a little too easy to adapt to his lifestyle. I wanted - Still want, actually, even though I'm a good few miles from him and should have had enough time to regain my senses - To tear off the fabric of the demanding urban life and just function the way he does, with him.. Forever. I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. Neither of us were expecting to uproot the other and ask or persuade to ('come to the dark side' we've joked),but honestly, now that I've seen him I really don't want to be apart from him anymore.
Now the problem: I just started going to College fulltime. I AM still just a young woman and I don't know that if worst came to worst I'd be able to entirely fend for myself, which is a heavy thing to know but still something I must keep in mind. I'd have to transfer a fair amount of miles away to start over somewhere different, not to mention that my family is still in a bizarre medical state of affairs, and my mother.. I don't even want to get into that ..
I'd have to burn bridges and sacrifice a lot to get where I want to go, but even though there are a lot of risks I'd be taking on a risk of a relationship, I really don't doubt that it would be rewarding to me in the end, for both of us. Part of me just wants to hop the next bus back to him right now without so much as a goodbye to my friends and family, but the rational part of me wants me to stay at home and just work on my education.. but I never have been happy. I never even got a break between high school and College, really, and I did want one, just to assess where I am and where I want to go in life.
I don't want to wait, is the problem. I really don't. Something is telling me that I would be truly happy with him. We've got energy together, we've got a connection.. I can't even begin to describe how much of a loss I am feeling right now, and so alone without him.
Even my horoscope today is agreeing with me. Something along the lines of New Life Goals.
It's a question of the heart versus the mind, and rationality versus love. It's a battle that I'm afraid.. I'm afraid I may end up sacrificing a potential career .. to be with the one I love.. and the scary part... the truly scary part to me .. is that I really don't care.. I really DO want to catch the next bus back. I really DO want to just show up in what I'm wearing and declare myself a part of his household. I'm afraid that I wouldn't miss the things and the people that I have become accustom to back at home. And that hurts..
So it's the age old question of obligation versus happiness..the soap-opera love story unfolds with me as the protagonist..and I want to be the happy maiden who follows her heart in the end..however..there is a lot in my way..
Wish me luck.... and let us hope I'm not just an idiot..
The Navy Seals have subtly implied that they are interested in my
goods, but I am not so sure that they will actually take me up on the
offer. It all started on a rainy Saturday morning:
Ryly walked tentatively up Main street, cars bustling past into the dark abyss that was once the Capitol building (Before that they had concerts once in a while, but nothing so entertaining that she would rouse herself out of her apartments to go watch). She huddled into her fur coat and braced herself against the coming windstorm. It was only there that, amidst the sea of ongoing traffic and endless merging automobiles, she could clearly see what was in front of her. "Alas!" She managed to choke out between heartfelt sobs, "The cars go nowhere! In a few steps I shall not be able to see again."
And so it was.
Ryly walked tentatively up Main street, cars bustling past into the dark abyss that was once the Capitol building (Before that they had concerts once in a while, but nothing so entertaining that she would rouse herself out of her apartments to go watch). She huddled into her fur coat and braced herself against the coming windstorm. It was only there that, amidst the sea of ongoing traffic and endless merging automobiles, she could clearly see what was in front of her. "Alas!" She managed to choke out between heartfelt sobs, "The cars go nowhere! In a few steps I shall not be able to see again."
And so it was.
