52 posts from 2008

I've been thinking about how confusing friends are. How do you classify friends? Is it right to classify friends into categories, although you know for a fact that you will confide in some and trust in some a lot more than you would trust in others? When you rank them, is it by importance and by how much you care about them? I never liked the idea... so I'm thinking about changing it for myself, into something more flowing and (I hate the word balanced) fair.... maybe just for me... but comparing them to the phases of the moon.

The importance level is never called into question, but it allows me to categorize into who I am comfortable sharing my more personal problems with compared to who I would just say hello to in the hallway.

Picture 3

Waxing - the moon is growing larger in the sky, moving from a narrow crescent just after the new moon towards the full moon.
The waxing moon grows from right to left and is called the 'right-hand moon' - the crescent is like the curve between the right-hand's index finger and thumb.

Waning - the moon is decreasing in size, moving from the full moon back towards a crescent as the new moon approaches.
The waning moon decreases from right to left and is called the 'left-hand moon' because of its similarity to the curve on the left hand.

Gibbous - during the phases between the First Quarter and the full moon, and between the full moon and the Last Quarter, when more than half of the disc is illuminated.

New Moon
The new moon occurs when the sun and moon are in conjunction, occupying the same part of the sky from the viewpoint of earth. During this time the moon doesn't reflect the light of the sun, and so cannot be seen (except during a solar eclipse). The moon's un-illuminated side is facing the earth.

1 New (also called the Dark Moon) - not visible
2 Waxing Crescent
3 First Quarter - commonly called a "half moon"
4 Waxing Gibbous
5 Full - we can see the entire illuminated portion of the moon
6 Waning Gibbous
7 Third Quarter - another "half moon", but the illuminated part is opposite of the First Quarter
8 Waning Crescent
9 New - back to the beg

Picture 2

So I think.. a "first quarter" or "waxing" friend would be someone more intimate than a friend in the third or fourth waning quarter.. "first quarter" friend would be someone I am familiar with but may not know my secrets, wheras a "fourth quarter" friend may be someone I know through someone else. a "full moon" friend would be someone I know very well or who knows me very well... like my very intimate friends, or a lover. a "gibbous" friend would be a friend in transition, moving either forward or back into another stage, moving closer or further away from me. a "new moon" friend would be someone I do not know but have an image in my head of, like an internet friend, or someone I've only heard about. Still present but not with tangible or visible quality. All phases are important so there is no longer a need to determine who is most important in my life anymore....but still it says who I would most likely be comfortable planting seeds with...

Yes, I have too much time to think between terms........

Actually this was inspired by a dream I had.. I only remember that part of it, too... faces of friends shining with half-light, or little light, or their whole face illuminated, and my voice saying "she's a half-moon friend" ... or something to that effect.

This is only me, however.. I'm not saying everyone should think that way. I'm just trying my best to eliminate the annoyances of rank that have been lurking in the corner of my mind....

Not-internally there have been other problems that have been plaguing me as of late, most of them ...normal. Boys. What the hell... boys have never been my problem before, at least not in the way that affects me personally and my ability to sleep at night..(not that way, as in, worrying).. this is brand-new to me, and amusing in the ordeal that it is creating for me.

First off, I am vaguely aware that my draconian may not be the one for me. I've always sort of figured that it might be the case, but it has never intruded in my ability to live in contentment or to love him in the fucked up, round-about way that I can love someone, although I'm sure it has been very hard on him.. but all of this may come to term soon, and I may end up making a decision as to what end I may be wanting go to as far as 'us' is concerned. this disappoints me; he's always been there for me and I have always been his special fucked-up bundle of love but in all reality, I can't have the white house with the picket fence, I can't have the children, I can't live the normal life of love and debt and for that I am truly sorry but that is what he needs and what I cannot help provide for him. This will be the end of us. The subject has come up about one moving in with the other, and to my own amazement I found myself balking at the idea of someone else in a dwelling with me and sleeping with me every night, being so close.. sends a shiver down my spine. At the age I'm at especially, but in general too...and I think that, once I decline, the rest is just downhill. He will lose his faith in us soon after, and go find himself a nice mate who wants the same life he does. Why am I not sad of this? I'm happy for him really, he doesn't need to spend the rest of his days telling me which direction is up.

It also does me no good that he is the only one who wasn't ...that could listen to me ramble about it. I often beat myself up for not treating him nicer just for that reason. I also wish that it wasn't him who could listen.

The second part of ths story is that amazingly there may be another to worry about. I am not accustom to having crushes - In fact, I have had only one within the last four years that was not Johnny Depp - but I think that not only do I have a crush on him, he returns my affections. He is smart, intelligent and funny; and he has a mind-boggling capacity for affection that I am unused to knowing. He is close to me, unlike my draconian. The only problem is that his situation is very similar to what mine may be in the next 18-20 months if I am not making the right choice in life paths. He has invited a loved one to live with him, and he cannot tolerate is and now they are economically bound and she is lovebound but he isn't; and he wishes to move on but that would require her to live in some unsafe conditions. He has told me of his affections ... I do not question his honesty when he tells me where they really are. For now we are platonic, until something happens or until I make my decision. What an awful place to be.

Still, I believe that we are compatible in most ways.. I cannot help but doubt any long-term out of this. I am still not quite the type to be in love with. I am balking at any commitments that may be made even if we were clear to express our feelings in the open, I don't know what I'd do with myself if I actually had stability put in front of me..

And so, I have choices to make...I hope that doubt does not force my hand to give up everything all at once..

Also, the annoying wiccan has decided that he is indeed in love with me, and though I've made it clear that I will never quite feel the same for him, he still calls me every 12 hours. What am I to do? I end up making small talk.. 

I've always had a problem with writing down my 'true' feelings. I never can really do that, I always leave some mandatory part of myself or my opinion out of the picture, something truly important to understand how I feel.. even when I look back on my previous journal entries, either here or on paper, I never really know what I was feeling at the time.

The truth is, I hate to write in general.

It is for this reason that, when I am at my most pensive, I tend not to record anything in favor of trying to commit the days to memory.. and also this will make me lose all the important parts of my life, I will look back on myself and see the novelty version of it, dumbed down for some perceived audience that does not exist, and I will think that that is who I was...

..effectively changing who I am now? We'll leave that up for debate, and see...

My days have been upset again in their flow, my thought patterns have gone the way of the wind and I cannot keep a theme going for my life. I can keep the bare minimum of arrangements; I do not want to be around people if I am not in school and have been locking myself up with my art and my mind and worries elsewhere, as I fear the very few who could possibly return and elaborate on my thoughts with me are also gone the way of the wind and I have to work to keep them close...

I have been given leave to write my novel, and so have become a sort of journalist for the two that I love more than anything... but it is also my intimate belief that in order to keep myself objective I must be just that, an objective belonging to existence, an observer and a seer and nothing more than that until the appointed time in which I may begin writing, I only hope that on that day the words write themselves because my fear, that I put myself in there too, where I do not belong..

My draconian said something interesting to me last night. He probed me to look back on what I offer people...and I realized that whatever it is that I sometimes do for some people, I just see it as a joke.....but to whomever is talking, it means something...and I am amused by this..

Still yet I am not writing what is really in my head and I cannot...

But I will say that from these days forward I will be what I am, to the best of my ability, plus a journalist for their behalf, and I will write myself a novel when the time comes..

And I have decided, that I want Yelena's tattoo instead of the transient smile, as it fits, I think, what I am doing...