21 posts from 2007

Merry @(%%*mas indeed.. I'm at my mom's..

This visit was suspiciously quiet, mainly because I didn't attend mom's wedding and subsequently mom's family hates me.. or at least hates me in secret while trying to put up a good face and not ask questions like .. "why don't you have a boyfriend""So now what you dropped out of school for good orr"..

Great.. I can deal with that. and G leaves me the hell alone because he's pissed, and I get mom all to myself because on the few hours before and after work he doesn't talk and then he's at swing shift for 12 hours on the hours that I'm actually awake..

Even on christmas, haha the bastard. But mom's ok when no one else is around. like she keeps it a secret that she has the ability to be ok one week out of the year and wants no one to see. She at least pretends to understand why I didn't go, I know she doesn't get it but she tries.. she tries surprisingly hard. And as far as boyfriends and school went, she left me alone.. that's good, too.. like we both grew up a bit and know better than to talk about shit we don't understand the other did. I don't ask why she married the bastard and is obsessed with him, she doesn't ask why I stop talking to everyone sometimes and got my GED and don't have a boyfriend and act as weirdly as I do.

Ew, I sound cliche..

but yeah.. so today was it.. it's the last day and I'm vulnerable..he is just getting ready for work.. I'm packed so it leaves me sitting here at the computer fucking around on some stupid website, when G his-fucking-majesty himself bursts in.. mom warned me about this.. I should have locked the door..

And I hear all about it with no room to cut in.. how I've hurt my mother.. how dad's going to die and mom and he aren't going to help me when I'm left in the dark at, how old am I? .. yeah.. and how I should have just stayed out of it when it came to keeping my sister in OR..

That last one.. it took everything I had to bite my tongue.. he doesn't know how I tried to keep out of it, how I fought bitterly to stay the fuck out of the way when dad convinced me it was "for the greater good".. I raised my voice, stamped my foot, cried and screamed and they made me do it under the pretext that I was a lesser person if I didn't..

..Of course mom "understands".. and of course G has to simplify it.. whatever I do it's wrong.. out of place.. if it doesn't follow what either of them want to the letter well.. I'm just playing for the other team then and they should have nothing to do with me..

...and I'm losing myself in all of this insanity.. every step of the way I have to ask myself "where am I?" Because they want me to be exact clones of each ofthem, and I act the part as best I can, try to be as perfect as I can, but then.. on those minutes before sleep and before I have to wake up and even while I'm at work, who is the person talking? I don't know sometimes.. When I protested being in the middle of this legal battle with my sister, I remember kristina yelling at me because I called her up crying, looking for someone to just listen to me, and she yelled at me whole-heartedly, like how could I question doing this for the benefit of my sister, and how can I keep running headfirst into these problems..

God..

But I can't blame any of them for what they see.. they only see what happened to them, and nothing more..they don't have context.. and it's something I can't give them.. so let them disapprove and see me as they want to see me.. I'll run around cleaning up after their messes as usual.. trying hard to comfort my sister through all this..

And now I know if I breathe a word mom will go off on G.. and he'll say I twisted his words.. and so I'll say nothing, and I don't know what he even said to my sister.. I just know she came toddling in crying..I wish I could tell her to keep it quiet, but I don't want to restrict what she says to her mother..

Or her father.. if she says anything to him there will be more trouble.. hopefully not legal..

How much longer do I have to do this?..

I poured my heart out I poured it she let me see and I gave her everything I had in reply! EVERYTHING! I tried to phrase it in a way that she COULD not take wrong! I poured my heart out and waited and she replied with one word, ONE WORD and I'm left here wondering what the fuck it meant! I wonder if she's upset at me! I don't KNOW! And I don't know if I should a) ASK HER IF SHE'S UPSET and risk getting a "You're not going to understand because you didn't pick it up right away" or b) LEAVE FOREVER AND NEVER MESSAGE HER AGAIN to which I'm risking a "you're just like all the rest"! God DAMMIT I feel like my soul's been wrenched up AGAIN and I'm angry and irritated and constantly anxious about it and just goddamn it I just walked into a trap there's no way out of no matter what I do, because words can be taken so many different ways all the time. I want to see and I want to be there but she's twisting herself around so many walls that it's just not possible and the only way I could ever be angry at her is through resentmet to myself twisted three times over to her because I can't be angry I can only be upset that she left me hanging... She dreamed of everyone but me.. she leaves a message that if I even stretch to try and figure out to the best of my abilities sounds like .. "you poor thing" and that she feels sorry for me for not understanding but she

Final_project__part_3_by_jdillon82.jpg

I don't know what to fucking do, where to go or what to say. I used everything I had on her, and I still want to, but these .. WHAT BETTER WAY TO PUT IT THAN VERBAL PARADOXES are preventing me from even fucking scratching the surface! Fuck yes I don't understand! But I WANT TO goddamnit! Don't EVER say I don't care!

If she tells me that I don't care, I don't know what I'd do, and already I've invested a dangerous amount, even though I know this is just the first the FIRST in what is going to be a LOT of these.. if I keep going .. it's just a tiny thing.. and already I was so invested on getting an answer.. and I regret typing anything.. and I'm so hung up on something so stupid.. well.. I guess there it is.. wipe the slate.. feign ignorance and start again..

I wish she'd answer me though.. her lack of response leads me to believe I said exactly the wrong thing..

I can't just forget it.. I can't just .. even though that's all you want.. if I don't do it, I'll feel like I have to face the world alone.. which is true..

Thus I've resigned myself to my fate.. I'll go insane over the two of you, and it will be my own fault...

-----If I sent it, I would have regretted it.

...Simple things start becoming more obvious as one removes themselves in order to take in more..

..The smell of dad's shaving cream, how long have you known that scent?

How many times to do pass this building to and from work?

Where will life go next? GED obtained.. can't feel proud.. just removing myself further so that I can take in more information...

Rei..

So much more information...

Can't remember, because "now" is such a heavy word..

Holy fuck on a pogo stick in europe, batman, this has been the wierdest few days I've had in quite, a long, while.

Friday night: Birthday night, nothing much going on beyond texting friends. I had the day cleared out to go to the arcade with Loki and Zir, but we didn't end up going,I went to their place we stayed home knitting and tlaking and managing Hunter ad sonny. Sonny's birthday is soon, too, making this the sixth Libra in my life and freaking me out a little. Son had a friend over and hunter was being a wreck and so was the girl, and Loki had his first freakout about them. After hunter was put to bed, we stayed up drying elmer's glue on eachother's backs in designs and trying to peel it and leave the design in place. I think the closest we got was the unicorn's horn staying in tact.

Bambi was played 4 times over. I was glad I got to spend my birthday with close friends doing NOTHING. Fuck, I hate parties, it puts me more on-edge.. I think that chris had something planned for me, so I'm also sort of glad I turned my phone off. Mean, I know, but true. I didn't talk to my mom or dad on Friay either, because I just didn't want to deal with it... I don't like having direct attention, I've never been a fan of being the centerpiece.

Saturday I was dropped off at home, I skiped Bellydancing class mostly because I didn't attend school or work on thursday or Friday and didn't want to deal with the class singing to me or something. Mrrrr..Well, Eva and Kyle showed, up, Kyle came from about an hour and a half from home, so I accomodated. He's sweet but an absolute nutcase, and always depressed and/or bored. So after watching him pace around for a few hours while Eva and I giggled and watched a couple movies, we went out, but down the stairs on my way out the door we came face to face with Craig, our neighbours from across the street.

Sam, our big while cat, had been hit by a car -- in the head. Dad moved him. I still went out, but I couldn't enjoy myself and we ended up coming home early, and we buried him sunday morning over at the farm. It was so surreal..

sunday after Sam was taken care of, words said and burial taken care of, we were dropping off Kyle at his place and on our way home when we saw the paramedics getting to an accident, a fatal accident. Even just going past on the highway, we could see the results of the crash, and what looked like the consquences of not wearing a seatbelt. It was sombering, frightening and a tough wakeup call to me. We don't last forever...as living things, we're so FINITE in the whole scheme of things. It's harsh. I didn't cry, I was too busy thinking... it makes me wonder if I'm a bad personbecause I couldn't cry. I didn't freak out. It was there, and there I was happening past.

Generally I was still happy, though humbled thoroughly..Monday I learned that I may be suspect of a theft case at work, though. then I was just upset. I'm not the only suspect, but that I could ever even be considered. guhhh. Well, I've got nothing to hide... if they decide to fire me on false charges, it's their loss. 

Such extreme polar expriences this year make me confused on how I feel about it overall, but I can't help feeling serene through all of it. I don't know why. MaybeI'm at my peak in chaos?  

Friday, already.. I've asked my more reclusive friends to take me to the arcade so I can just escape on my actual birthday, I'll face it on Saturday when I don't feel so threatened. Who knows; maybe I'll have grown used to the idea that I'm 18 by then.

Tomorrow I'm going to get the papers to register to vote. I need to vote this election...

..As for the rest.. my mood has been lifting. Sherry's talking employment, I've started to practice with the finger symbols while dancing and I'm getting it down fairly quickly. My dance is improving quite a bit, and my artwork has taken a big leap within the last couple of months. I'm starting to enjoy drawing again.

Trent Reznor and Portishead are voicing the segway into the rainy season; I'm finally able to pull out my jacket and I don't feel like I'm hiding from the elements anymore. Wind and rain place me at ease, winter here is easy to take for me.

Hm..

I'm at work, it's slow today *Knock on wood*... I'm alone pretty much, but I'm not scared this time, which is a plus. I know more about how to work the damn brochures, which tripped me up last time.

I feel serene.. my rain is back. It's cold again. I'm relaxed and happy with 12 hours of sleep under my belt to make up for the other night's disturbances. I'm in a long sleeve shirt, finally. I can pull them back from the bottom of my dresser.

Now the year's started for me..

Yesterday was.. busy, but calming. I've grown to the point where I can't stand still when I'm at home. I have to be working, I have to be doing something productive. I had people in and out of my house all day, and though it was nice, I still made them work, hee hee! But we all had fun.

Maybe not 13, but whatever, I let her have the computer for 8 hours to make up for my 2' o clock in the morning bitching spree. She seemed okay with that.

..We ended up cleaning the whole front of the house and starting on sanding the paint off of the old bookshelf and my dresser, which was all good. I didn't see Kristina much, and I'm a little worried about that. She slept and did laundry, but evidently she didn't do the laundry she said she did because when I woke up this morning she was dead asleep with my clothes wet in the dryer. Dad had told me he turned on the dryer... and she didn't wake up until dinner last night, too. I'm hoping she's not letting julie stay up all night again. Julie's being a brat about sleeping in her own room, and will make any excuse from "I see a strange man" to "I think that light in the sky isa meteorite and it's going to hit us!" Which wold be fine and dandy if she were 8, but she's in middle school now, 6th grade, shouldn't be doing that anymore.

I got to see Loki and Zira last night, albeit for not very long. Loki and I talked of hundreds of things in 15 minutes and among them were answers to questions that I've spent three months trying to talk to him about. Funny how constrained time makes for important discussion.. it was good. We have an understanding. And he's acknowledged that we are similar, finally..

..Or foaming at the mouth. Took a while, didn't it?

My father and his girlfriend have the worst kind of relationship - they're both the type to withhold communications and then resent each other for not speaking about each other's problems, colletively. This causes a LOT of blow-up fights and a LOT of pain and heartache, not least of all is felt by my sister and I who have to watch this go on and cannot change their mind nor interfere. Both of them do that thing, you know, the "testing" thing. Where you tell someone something and then hold back to see if they'll cooperate/do it/ whatever, and whenever this THING, whatever it is, isn't followed through, whoever issued the test solves it themselves and then holds back on expressing diappointment/agitation/what have you until something seriously goes wrong and some big transgression is made. Of course usually the one to breech the hull is one of either Julie or I, in whatever fashion, be it anything from her asking when dinner's ready to me actually making an offensive remark to someone. That's when everything pours out on both of their ends.

I hate knowing more about what love is than either of my parents, I do. Between my dad's pride and Kristina's borderline disorder, things never get done around the house. Kristina has the ability but no longer the will, and Dad plays into gender roles, though he denies it. I love him, I do, but he blows up when someone asks him to do the dishes. I'm useless because I'm gone most of the time. I don't like dealing with it but I'm refining myself, slowly. I don't like being in the frey.

   And to get juvenile here, Julie since she moved in has had Kristina all to herself. I can count on one hand the times in the last three months we've had alone together, and it hurts because Kristina and I used to pal around, all the time. Kristina doesn't have the initiative to tell julie to back off, which makes the situation worse on everyone. I want Julie to have time, but I want time, too. I butted in on one of their "outings" where Krstina and Julie go off to spend money together and I got whined about from Julie. I also don't want Kristina to feel like she's a pulltoy between us, so I backed off, but I'm feeling lonely in my own house because Julie's ALWAYS with Kristina, dad's got his various hobbies and whatnot that he wants to deal with, and I'm alone in the front room or off at friends' houses for weeks at a time. None of us really talk, because everyone's walking on eggshells with everyone. this is not the way to live, but I don't know how to fix it, or even if it's fixable.

As a side note, I can feel my peronality solidifying, I'm getting to that point where the doors of my thought process are not blown wide-open. and I don't like the person I'm turning into, I don't. even though I'm civil and kind to everyone outside of my home, and I'm liked as far as I can tell, if I met myself walking down the street I'd hate me immediately. And I want to change, but I don't even know how to go aobut doing it, because the problem doesn't lie in my bahavior patterns, it lies in my thought process.

I feel like the screws are coming apart. I'm thinking too hard...

Fuck shit fuck fuck FUCK FUCK.

Today was supposed to be fun..

I started out going to dance with Sherry until 3pm, while Kristina and my sister went out and did their thing. Fine, Great. I came back late and the WORLD EXPLODED. Now, the whole reason to go to Portland was shot, as dad's store would be closed once we got up there. Okay, fine. The whole reason that we'd leave is so that I could get my thing done. I'd rather the whole trip be canceled because I don't want to be the center of attention, but, okay..

We got up there and Kris was bitching, Dad got disoriented while driving and nearly got the lot of us killed. Kristina took the wheel and nearly had a panic attack followed quickly by bitching at me that I was suggesting we go home. I hate being in this position. Raised above everyone and then ridiculed. It's a popular spot for me. I just wanted everyone to shut the fuck up.

More later, when I can see clearly enough.