Remind me to never say that I'm bored.
B:
"Don't ever ask me to trust you again. Thanks for letting me know about Texas & Stacy. I enjoy being made a fool!"
- "Well fuck if I know up from down in that situation. I didn't know you'd want to know if I knew it. Some people don't like that information from a third party.
- "Furthermore, I thought you knew. And further than that, in your own words, it's not my damn job. So fine, don't trust me. I guess I deserve it, but I don't know."
- "And if you want to get personal, it was one of the conditions to see Dragon. What the fuck am I supposed to do?! And to be honest, he never did see that cunt anyway."
- "So yeah. Fine. But I'm so damn confused about right and wrong that I shut my eyes and went with the flow. Trust hasn't been a word in my vocabulary since a year before the divorce."
- "You were reviving it but I guess I fucked that up too, huh? Fuck it. ITS ALL JUST MORE BLOGGING MATERIAL AMIRITE?"
- "Fuck it. Fuck dad, fuck this family, fuck you. I'm not asking for help anymore. I'm not worth it. I told you in the beginning I wasn't. But you had to think that I was worth something."
- "If it makes you feel better, mom was talking to G LONG before Dad ever had a hint, too. I knew. I know it all."
- "So yeah, I am ANTI-FUCKING-TRUST. But I never wanted to be. Remember that, even if you ne'er talk to me again, which I don't expect you will."
For a little backstory, this is long overdue:
I'm stuck between Kristina and Dad. Right, okay. That's cool, even typical in some situations, but how does it impact one person when they have so much information on two people in a relationship, two people I may add who never communicate to each other, that depending on what I say, determines if they stay together?
What if these are two people whom I love very much?
I have SO much miscommunicated information..It's like they play Donnie and Harriet during the day, and then every night, when it goes from Dr. Jeckal to Mr. Hyde, every single complaint they have, they tell to me. It's been like this, I've been dealing with it for a very long time, but then things got complicated..
Nanny moved in.. but I'm not blaming her. She's not the problem, it just made my father disgruntled. He didn't WANT her, but he felt obligated; she really did have nowhere to go. Alright, and of course, his conscience about this wouldn't let him complain to Kristina about it (Nanny is HER mother, after all, and the poor lady came in senile) so it went to me. I took all the shit, kept quiet, lala, I'm used to it.
But it kept going, more than usual, to the point where he'd be yelling at me as if I actually were Nanna, yelling as if I'd been making her mistakes and if I were dumb.. this was odd.. okay but I can handle it.
Then it got to the point where instead of confronting anyone, and I mean, Kristina, Nanna, ANYONE, he'd save it and confront me instead. All if his daily problems went to me, he talked to me as if I were the one making the mistakes, I listened to it all, took it all in, didn't say anything.. I listened when he called her fat, when he said he could never love her, I was the first one to learn that he never did actually love her .. I was the one to first learn he didn't want to marry her, that he thought she was disgusting, that she never did any work (Though she really did do all the housework, but I didn't open my mouth) .. that she didn't pay enough bills, that she didn't take care of the animals, that he didn't like her bedside mannerisms, that he didn't like her temper, he secretly thought she was stupid.. all this plus any daily annoyances that he had encountered since he last got me alone. I got to hear how he felt trapped in his relationship because my little sister and I were so attached to her, that he felt obligated to oblige our feelings so that's why he never said any of this to her, and that ultimately it's none of our damn business what he does with his lovelife, all the while making me feel guilty and responsible for trapping him in a relationship that he obviously didn't want to be in in the first place. He told me to "Never get too attached to her, or else you'll end up hurt". He always made me feel like the one that was trapping him, like I was personally handcuffing him to this woman.
"Lala" wasn't so easy after all that, but two conditions kept me from telling.. okay, three really.
- He made me feel like an idiot, and really hurt my emotions and twisted my mind up whenever I tried to back out, saying things not unlike "You're just on Kristina's side," "You're just going to leave me again like your mother", "You're an idiot" ...it bordered abusive, and he would always rationalize whatever he's saying in a way that really did make me feel ashamed for doubting his opinions, quite unlike "Doublespeak" if you're familiar to 1984..
- Personal reasons.. I LIKE KRISTINA AND DON'T WANT HER TO LEAVE ME.. SHE DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT...
- And the third and most subtle of all, I had an idea that he actually wanted me to tell Kristina what he was saying so that he didn't HAVE to "Start" anything. Like he wanted it to just.. snowball without him, and have her blow up at him later. I didn't want to be responsible for the "Start" of anything.. because in all honesty, his personality type is such that he really would blame me for "exaggeration of the truth".. and Kris may believe him, my only being in my late teens in the "Rebel stage" and all.
Well,
Let's say
I got
A little
"Disconnected"
Of course, she had her share of problems too, she DID talk shit about dad behind his back, and about my mom too, but it never got threatening. I always felt like, if I Really felt like I had to, I could run to that person she was talking about and say, "Kristina said this ________", and she'd fess up, and they'd talk it out.
Dad?
I ended up learning that he still had feelings for the girl that was actually -the- reason for the divorce that he and my Mom had gone through.. he broke my mama's heart, he did, and she found someone else and he still blames that man to this day.
Ooookay... but STILL.. I kept quiet. It went on like this for a long, long time..
Even with the normal drama with my mother.. with the normal
"You're going to leave me for her" Attitude
And that she's always up to something, and that we're all part of a conspiracy against him, both financially and emotionally, and that we're all out to get him, sometimes so far as to assume I'm in "cahoots" with Kristina to torture him, to make his life miserable, by "Leaving me with Nanna so I'm the one taking care of her"
Of course..this is beside the point..
but so is the point where I was watching the rift move Kristina and I further apart..
Watching my sister take my place.. watching them bond.. watching them become, in essence, mother and daughter.. the situation that I wanted to be in with her. My sister deserved her, though. I was, I am, nothing but a dirty liar:
I held out when mom said, "I'm still married to your father, but I love someone else."
Held out when dad said, "I am in love with a woman in california."
Nodded my head and both gave them the go-ahead to do what they want, because I swear to any existing God, they both asked my permission before they betrayed each other.
I held my head low when, at 7, with my mother asleep 20 hours out of the day, both my sister and I covered in fleas and lice and dirt and grime, the dishes piled up, the dogs not let out in two days with their piss and shit all over the floor, dad blamed me for the hosue not being clean.
Blamed me for not going to school
Blamed me for my sister's crying.
And more recently, when I was blamed for my sister's decision to move here, even though I secretly knew she was better off with mom, Dad telling me I was a bad person if I didn't legally fight for her to stay with us, that my mom was terrible, but I knew she'd never have to go through that heartache I went through here, I knew, but I still fought..
Mom blamed me for that one. Said I was betraying her. And really, I was.
Even my stepdad.. he blamed me, too. Directly told me I was an ignorant bitch, too.
Maybe.
It's all beside the point.
The point is, that dad was planning to act on all this "Pent up romance" he had for his girlfriend in California. Dad heard-- Now note that this is one-sided -- that she would be going to a seminar in Texas, and he decided to go, too. He wanted to see her. I think he started going to those seminars because of her to begin with..
"Business expense".
It didn't help matters to his disadvantage that there was a new sewing machine waiting for him in Texas, too, that his eldest daughter has been audibly wanting to go on a road trip, and that her Dragon was on the way out to Tx, too.
So...
Plans were made..
Omit my getting 3 incompletes in my classes to accompany him..
Omit my promise to "keep things on the down-low about Stacy"..
Omit my collecting hours of lectures on how everyone in our lives are stupid idiots..
I was happy. Dragon made me happy.. So I agreed to it. I wanted to see him, and it was worth it, and even NOW it's worth it, I'd do it all again. Cliche but true goddammit. I miss him more than anything.
So.. I did.. kept quiet..
Watched the rift grow between Kristina and I, even further,
Substituted my empty feeling with talking to Dragon.. hanging out with 13..
Then I got where I am.. and it all bubbled over.. I freaked out.. I called Kristina and explained exactly what went on when I had freaked out that dad was eavesdropping on me for conspiracy theories and I freaked out and went upstairs and he ended up kicking in a door and when both of them asked me what the fuck happened all I could do was make noises and tremble.. I told her that there are things that I was hiding from her, told her that I was sorry, that I'd betrayed her, and this rift, I knew it, and she knew it, and it existed and both of us didn't know why.. we talked for hours.. I never ended up telling her what I knew..she told me to forget it..
It's only been two days since that conversation, and we've looped full circle. The texts are at the top.
I am,
A liar
I am,
A tool
I am, the cancer
But I know everything about you.
And while I'm at it..
I don't feel a thing for the deceased.
She tried to save me, she really did. It was a conscious effort. But in the end she failed. I fucked her over too.
Ha, ha.
