I'm home.. I don't really want to write right now
It was just as I thought, though. They weren't at the gate, and I was hardly welcomed with a 'Hello' when I got into the car. All this resentment.. you can stick a fork in it and it'll stand, the air was so thick.
Ah well. No one can see beyond what they perceive is reality.. I can't hold it against them.
What else. . . . .
Nothing else..
Absinthe is legal in the US again. The brand is called 'Lucid', it's wormwood Absinthe. There's a black cat on the bottle. I had to laugh.
It was just as I thought, though. They weren't at the gate, and I was hardly welcomed with a 'Hello' when I got into the car. All this resentment.. you can stick a fork in it and it'll stand, the air was so thick.
Ah well. No one can see beyond what they perceive is reality.. I can't hold it against them.
What else. . . . .
Nothing else..
Absinthe is legal in the US again. The brand is called 'Lucid', it's wormwood Absinthe. There's a black cat on the bottle. I had to laugh.
When I fell asleep last night I fell into a world in which Loki was already dead.
Even though I don't have the same feelings for him as I did, he still impacts my life and we are still friends; but I walked into a world where I loved him and only him and when he had died I lost all purpose and meaning and didn't care, and the thing was that I wasn't very surprised at his death as I wouldn't be in life - I just simply lost my cause and didn't give it a second thought, jumped a train to Frisco where I knew Spider would be waiting, even though I would bring her the news, she would greet me with sad eyes and already know. And so we were in the same boat together, lost, upset, soulless and without cause; and of course the most amazing things happen under these circumstances...
It turns out that she was just 14 at the time and already lost in the streets of Frisco, already among the soulless creatures that wander there, and I dutifully followed her as my last link to him, and out of love for her..I would just be 13 at the time and I wouldn't know that she has school that she hardly attends, or a makeshift home; she wouldn't let on of that until three days after our plunging headfirst into a series of bus rides and mingling and stealing, laughing the empty knowing laugh of mortality (in both senses of the word), bumming and digging the dreads of sore life and just living, living, living, no longer bounds by the care to live that prevents one from having fun in the purest sense of the word..
We got lost.. found our way back.. went further and got loster and fell together and didn't care, didn't care.. all this because of our love for him, our lost and crazy angel, our beloved Angel of Death and all his childish woes that brought him to his unnecessary end and we didn't care, we lived for him.. I would hold her on the city streets, anonymous nothings, and she would in turn hold me, and we would grieve by way of life, allowing our position in the city to reflect our feelings instead of expressing them ourselves, where we were would explain everything for us..
She decided the next day we'd go to school, for fun.. I agreed, and we walked in unnoticed, held each other and hating everyone in their ignorant happiness because that is what you do when you are 14..we giggled, we were lost enough to scare those in their right mind and we loved it, together.. Lunch was a fun time, scaring little children..
After school she turned to me, her sadness having a point, something we never discussed yet.. "Are you ready, now?" she asked me, knowing that our time of recklessness was over and it was time to address the real problem and finally accept and move on, and accept head-first and all the way KNOW that he is gone, dead, and we will never know him again, and celebrate that he made his goal and mourn his death as only she and I could do, together.. I loved her and how she knew the right time to transition and I nodded and followed her to the edge of town, to an industrial site that by looks was uninhabited but was in fact swarming with the Lost People, Our People.
She lead me out to a muddy area out back with a hut made of stolen sheet metal and stolen pillows and blankets, and innumerable trinkets caked in mud and she told me, "All of this I shared with him, and some you have shared with him, are you ready to accept?" My heart felt stone-cold and hollow. I didn't cry as I sifted through the things; we were one by one destroying everything that had to do with him until only our minds burned with memories that we would share with no one..
I was fine, giving these things to the fire that heated us and recognizing once more the Circle that encompasses us, and he was giving us warmth in our grievance and I came upon a set of four journals and looked through them, and realized that they were something that he and I used to write notes to each other.. his words were tender to me, and I looked up and it was spider and she told me, "They were so sweet, I stole them from you, I had to use these to remember you while I was out here..."
I couldn't give these up so easily, it was here I cried, HE WAS GONE, I would never see him again. Spider was calm, she was secretly wishing she could cry as I was, and she watched me in silence for a long while.
It was here I woke up, and now my heart is aching, and I miss my West Coast, this landlocked town is making me ill..
Even though I don't have the same feelings for him as I did, he still impacts my life and we are still friends; but I walked into a world where I loved him and only him and when he had died I lost all purpose and meaning and didn't care, and the thing was that I wasn't very surprised at his death as I wouldn't be in life - I just simply lost my cause and didn't give it a second thought, jumped a train to Frisco where I knew Spider would be waiting, even though I would bring her the news, she would greet me with sad eyes and already know. And so we were in the same boat together, lost, upset, soulless and without cause; and of course the most amazing things happen under these circumstances...
It turns out that she was just 14 at the time and already lost in the streets of Frisco, already among the soulless creatures that wander there, and I dutifully followed her as my last link to him, and out of love for her..I would just be 13 at the time and I wouldn't know that she has school that she hardly attends, or a makeshift home; she wouldn't let on of that until three days after our plunging headfirst into a series of bus rides and mingling and stealing, laughing the empty knowing laugh of mortality (in both senses of the word), bumming and digging the dreads of sore life and just living, living, living, no longer bounds by the care to live that prevents one from having fun in the purest sense of the word..
We got lost.. found our way back.. went further and got loster and fell together and didn't care, didn't care.. all this because of our love for him, our lost and crazy angel, our beloved Angel of Death and all his childish woes that brought him to his unnecessary end and we didn't care, we lived for him.. I would hold her on the city streets, anonymous nothings, and she would in turn hold me, and we would grieve by way of life, allowing our position in the city to reflect our feelings instead of expressing them ourselves, where we were would explain everything for us..
She decided the next day we'd go to school, for fun.. I agreed, and we walked in unnoticed, held each other and hating everyone in their ignorant happiness because that is what you do when you are 14..we giggled, we were lost enough to scare those in their right mind and we loved it, together.. Lunch was a fun time, scaring little children..
After school she turned to me, her sadness having a point, something we never discussed yet.. "Are you ready, now?" she asked me, knowing that our time of recklessness was over and it was time to address the real problem and finally accept and move on, and accept head-first and all the way KNOW that he is gone, dead, and we will never know him again, and celebrate that he made his goal and mourn his death as only she and I could do, together.. I loved her and how she knew the right time to transition and I nodded and followed her to the edge of town, to an industrial site that by looks was uninhabited but was in fact swarming with the Lost People, Our People.
She lead me out to a muddy area out back with a hut made of stolen sheet metal and stolen pillows and blankets, and innumerable trinkets caked in mud and she told me, "All of this I shared with him, and some you have shared with him, are you ready to accept?" My heart felt stone-cold and hollow. I didn't cry as I sifted through the things; we were one by one destroying everything that had to do with him until only our minds burned with memories that we would share with no one..
I was fine, giving these things to the fire that heated us and recognizing once more the Circle that encompasses us, and he was giving us warmth in our grievance and I came upon a set of four journals and looked through them, and realized that they were something that he and I used to write notes to each other.. his words were tender to me, and I looked up and it was spider and she told me, "They were so sweet, I stole them from you, I had to use these to remember you while I was out here..."
I couldn't give these up so easily, it was here I cried, HE WAS GONE, I would never see him again. Spider was calm, she was secretly wishing she could cry as I was, and she watched me in silence for a long while.
It was here I woke up, and now my heart is aching, and I miss my West Coast, this landlocked town is making me ill..
That about sums up my mood right now. I had to take a couple of days to calm down before I actually wrote this; my disbelief could have made for some words that I could regret (Threats? Not beyond me when I'm in psycho mode, even if I don't mean it). I knew and sensed that something was incredibly wrong between Kristina and I and I was right in that regard, more right than I knew or cared to actually believe.
The second responsibility that I bestowed upon her when I left and promised to come back and take care of early if she didn't want to handle, the care of my beloved python Ghost that she promised to handle, who was already sick and needed extra food, she let him go 3 weeks without eating.
He's alive and he has eaten 2 weeks in a row yesterday night, but that was under the initiation of my best friend and not Kristina; Kristina completely gave up on feeding him, and 13 had to not only initiate but finance the feeding of my poor baby, and I'm out of my head worrying over him, and this cements it, Kristina and I are no longer friends, and I cannot be friends with someone who will make a promise point-blank and not go through with it, and let an already suffering animal suffer further until he is almost starved..
I don't feel sorry or wanting for her affections anymore; she is untrustworthy, and no longer has a place in my heart.. I'd help her if she needed help, don't get me wrong; I'm not inhumane.. but friends is too much to ask of me.. and she already wants no part of me to begin with..
I had to wire 13 some money, and my poor boyfriend will finance him until I get my Aide in and can pay for it and pay him back.. I am amazed that she would let her resentment solidify in the suffering of an animal..
So I am resolving to be 99% more self sufficient when I get to my house again.. I will no longer ask her for anything I cannot ask simply an acquaintance for...she's strange to me now.. She is not who she used to be.. I've realized and accepted this. She will not help me. I am accepting this now. She does not care about me. I am accepting, and I do not have to MAKE her feel anything for me, I will let go, and move on..
I will not bring this up that I do not trust her with my baby anymore, I simply will make damn sure that Eva has the provisions needed to take care of him by herself when the time comes.. I can trust her..
My poor baby.. my poor, poor baby.. I am dreaming about him at night.. I miss him so much..
The second responsibility that I bestowed upon her when I left and promised to come back and take care of early if she didn't want to handle, the care of my beloved python Ghost that she promised to handle, who was already sick and needed extra food, she let him go 3 weeks without eating.
He's alive and he has eaten 2 weeks in a row yesterday night, but that was under the initiation of my best friend and not Kristina; Kristina completely gave up on feeding him, and 13 had to not only initiate but finance the feeding of my poor baby, and I'm out of my head worrying over him, and this cements it, Kristina and I are no longer friends, and I cannot be friends with someone who will make a promise point-blank and not go through with it, and let an already suffering animal suffer further until he is almost starved..
I don't feel sorry or wanting for her affections anymore; she is untrustworthy, and no longer has a place in my heart.. I'd help her if she needed help, don't get me wrong; I'm not inhumane.. but friends is too much to ask of me.. and she already wants no part of me to begin with..
I had to wire 13 some money, and my poor boyfriend will finance him until I get my Aide in and can pay for it and pay him back.. I am amazed that she would let her resentment solidify in the suffering of an animal..
So I am resolving to be 99% more self sufficient when I get to my house again.. I will no longer ask her for anything I cannot ask simply an acquaintance for...she's strange to me now.. She is not who she used to be.. I've realized and accepted this. She will not help me. I am accepting this now. She does not care about me. I am accepting, and I do not have to MAKE her feel anything for me, I will let go, and move on..
I will not bring this up that I do not trust her with my baby anymore, I simply will make damn sure that Eva has the provisions needed to take care of him by herself when the time comes.. I can trust her..
My poor baby.. my poor, poor baby.. I am dreaming about him at night.. I miss him so much..
All that sooth saying had an ill effect. Kristina now doesn't believe me and what I told her about how I used to live and what my sister and I went through is younger children. The question I have to ask is.. what GAIN would I have by lying about that?
And subsequently, the rift between her and I is growing steeper by the second. I'm enraged about this.. I had so much emotion for her, I loved her and nothing more than regular, honest and humane mistakes have ripped us apart, something that would not be impacted if we even had the friendship level of "best friends". Truth ripped us apart, and I ripped us apart, because I wanted to lean on her to learn things and she scooted away from me; and what do I have to show of our friendship but a bunch of material items that now I wish I could throw back in her face and tell her doesn't mean much to me, even if it was a thoughtful present.. I want her friendship and love more.
I don't know what I am to her, I can't get a straight answer, and I'm leaning on her for the basic things and she's complaining about it, what can I do, Dad won't fill the gaps of emotion and she resents me for it; my mom likes me over my sister and she resents me for it; I want fairness between her attentions to my sister and to me and she resents it; I don't accept her as my true mother and she resents me for it. So because I don't want to call her mommy, she hates it when I ask for something, but she tries never to show it. She hates me and she doesn't understand me, and I feel more and more everyday that every attempt to communicate with me is forced, and I hate it, and I hate her, and why won't she love me.
She's always upset about the stupidest things and because of the stupidest things she'll throw every bit back at me, she's vicious and vindictive and a hermit and she hates herself and truly she hates everyone around her but she hides it under the purest disguise of love, and I know better, and she hates me because I know.
I did what I did out of the purest honesty I could muster; though what I did was dramatic the basis of it was true, I DID go through that, I DID feel that way, and because someone simply told her it wasn't true she embraced that truth and now instead of the truth bringing us back together it's torn us apart, and I'm going to have to cut my loss and move on even though she'll still be in my life when I get home, she won't BE with me, she doesn't LOVE me, and I'm crying right now, I wish I had some parental unit who I felt safe with, or an adult friend I could confide in who isn't a damn stoner and would actually retain and understand.
I'd have a psychiatrist, but I'd bring it up to mom and she'd want me to switch residency first and if I bring it up to dad he'll first say it's not covered by our healthcare and then "why would YOU need a SHRINK?" and then go on to tell me there's no one else I need to complain about him to except himself, although he never understands and more often ends up yelling at me when I bring up my problems with him, to him.
today sucks. Because of my dad's lack of communication a big thing happened that I could have prevented had I been home on time, and because I didn't have all the details of what I could have done, I assumed it was no big deal, and he presented it to me as no big deal. And now because I didn't have all the details and dad said he could handle it and can't, he's blaming me for not being home to handle it, and of course Kristina is, and I didn't know, I didn't know..
And subsequently, the rift between her and I is growing steeper by the second. I'm enraged about this.. I had so much emotion for her, I loved her and nothing more than regular, honest and humane mistakes have ripped us apart, something that would not be impacted if we even had the friendship level of "best friends". Truth ripped us apart, and I ripped us apart, because I wanted to lean on her to learn things and she scooted away from me; and what do I have to show of our friendship but a bunch of material items that now I wish I could throw back in her face and tell her doesn't mean much to me, even if it was a thoughtful present.. I want her friendship and love more.
I don't know what I am to her, I can't get a straight answer, and I'm leaning on her for the basic things and she's complaining about it, what can I do, Dad won't fill the gaps of emotion and she resents me for it; my mom likes me over my sister and she resents me for it; I want fairness between her attentions to my sister and to me and she resents it; I don't accept her as my true mother and she resents me for it. So because I don't want to call her mommy, she hates it when I ask for something, but she tries never to show it. She hates me and she doesn't understand me, and I feel more and more everyday that every attempt to communicate with me is forced, and I hate it, and I hate her, and why won't she love me.
She's always upset about the stupidest things and because of the stupidest things she'll throw every bit back at me, she's vicious and vindictive and a hermit and she hates herself and truly she hates everyone around her but she hides it under the purest disguise of love, and I know better, and she hates me because I know.
I did what I did out of the purest honesty I could muster; though what I did was dramatic the basis of it was true, I DID go through that, I DID feel that way, and because someone simply told her it wasn't true she embraced that truth and now instead of the truth bringing us back together it's torn us apart, and I'm going to have to cut my loss and move on even though she'll still be in my life when I get home, she won't BE with me, she doesn't LOVE me, and I'm crying right now, I wish I had some parental unit who I felt safe with, or an adult friend I could confide in who isn't a damn stoner and would actually retain and understand.
I'd have a psychiatrist, but I'd bring it up to mom and she'd want me to switch residency first and if I bring it up to dad he'll first say it's not covered by our healthcare and then "why would YOU need a SHRINK?" and then go on to tell me there's no one else I need to complain about him to except himself, although he never understands and more often ends up yelling at me when I bring up my problems with him, to him.
today sucks. Because of my dad's lack of communication a big thing happened that I could have prevented had I been home on time, and because I didn't have all the details of what I could have done, I assumed it was no big deal, and he presented it to me as no big deal. And now because I didn't have all the details and dad said he could handle it and can't, he's blaming me for not being home to handle it, and of course Kristina is, and I didn't know, I didn't know..
I'm so angry right now..I want to beat her and cry at her and rip my heart out and present it to her and SHOW her in some physical manifestation how much she hurts me with her resentment, and then I want her to cry, I want her to hurt for me, I want her to feel how much she's hurt me.. I want to make her understand, but she never will, and right now I just want to find a quiet place, but even in this house, alone, 1800 miles from home, it all still rings in my ears..
My sister left back to wherever it is that I live. It's lonely without her. Eegads, alone for 8 hours a day, 3 days a week.
Stepdad's weekend is today and tomorrow and needless to say I've been sufficiently scared into doing a lot of chores. But that's not the point.
I get to spend Christmas this year with Dragon.. I'm so happy.
OH ALSO, BOOKS.
And I've been writing. *grin, grin*
Mom's so happy that I decided to stay longer. Secretly I'm regretting the decision, but that's not because of mom, it's because of the obvious. I wish I could just spend this vacation with mom..
Gads, I miss my sister. The house is too quiet..
Stepdad's weekend is today and tomorrow and needless to say I've been sufficiently scared into doing a lot of chores. But that's not the point.
I get to spend Christmas this year with Dragon.. I'm so happy.
OH ALSO, BOOKS.
And I've been writing. *grin, grin*
Mom's so happy that I decided to stay longer. Secretly I'm regretting the decision, but that's not because of mom, it's because of the obvious. I wish I could just spend this vacation with mom..
Gads, I miss my sister. The house is too quiet..
I don't really want to write this right now.. what happened was that at 1:30 in the morning the room next to us was raided by the police. So that being the case, we ended up leaving the room and taking shelter at the apartment of one of my mom's friends
Mom was driving tired, and then a lightningstorm hit.. it was raining so hard no one could see the road, and everyone was driving all over the place... nothing happened, but it easily could have.
We went back to the house last night. Stepfuck apologized but I had to apologize too, even though I don't understand why. I really don't like the man.
Chris Angel is great. But I sincerely hope he kept the quilt that little girl made for him. She didn't look too happy.
Mom was driving tired, and then a lightningstorm hit.. it was raining so hard no one could see the road, and everyone was driving all over the place... nothing happened, but it easily could have.
We went back to the house last night. Stepfuck apologized but I had to apologize too, even though I don't understand why. I really don't like the man.
Chris Angel is great. But I sincerely hope he kept the quilt that little girl made for him. She didn't look too happy.
So in short, now I'm in a nondescript hotel room an hour from my mom's house.
Sometimes my life amazes the hell out of me... this all started because of laundry.
Mother's hubby was on his way out of the house for an hour, he decided to ask if I'd take care of the laundry while he was out. I said OK. I got down to the laundry room and saw that their washer and dryer were different from the one I have at home, which is fine, but it would still take some time to maneuver and learn. So I called her at work and asked her how her washer works, right. She couldn't give me a satisfactory answer and when I told her so, she just told me to leave it until she gets home and she'd show me how to use it.
She said she'd call hubby and tell him that I'm leaving the laundry 'til she gets back. OKs were exchanged, I hung up the phone and went about my business.
Hubby got home, didn't understand what the message was about and was less than pleased about the state of the dirty clothes in the basement. Now, I could understand this.. I'd be frustrated, too, if I came home and jobs were left undone. But he flew off the handle and started to throw cusswords around -- I can handle it myself, but my 11 year old sister was dragged into it and he successfully verbal-diahrread the both of us into the ground until I was satisfactorily upset and my sister was crying. Even when I told him, "Mom told me to leave it until she got home" , he told us he didn't care and kept going about how useless we both are. Even after I broke down and confessed I couldn't figure out the damn washer and didn't want to ask him how.
Again, I can handle it, and I'd probably do the same thing to my kids (Blow up after a task is left unfinished despite rational circumstances) IF, IF they did nothing all day. but I'm sorry, he hasn't had to lift a finger to do the dishes since I set foot in that house, or change the litterboxes. Whenever he asks me to perform a chore, up until now it's been done the second he asks, no matter what it is. Even when it comes down to his stupid clip art projects I hate but do for him anyway. I even got a wild hair up my ass and cleaned the whole house for them, just on random, because I wanted to be nice. If none of that had happened, if I had not done anything to contribute since I got here, I'd understand his anger, but it wasn't the case. It was a misunderstanding and a technical difficulty that could be overlooked, but because of his self centered point of view he had to call us out and make my sister cry for virtually no reason.
I was already pissed, but then he got out a mop and sneered at me, then asked if I knew how to mop and sweep, asking as if I were 5 years old. and if my sister knew how to vacuum. then he ignored us completely.
I mopped and then broke the mop on accident.
Now, mind you, the last time a mop was broken in the house, he forcefully slammed it into the threshold of the kitchen until the metal was bent almost in half.
I don't know this man very well.
Sooooo.. I grabbed my sister and barracaded myself in our room and called mom. She told us he'd never physically harm us, but at this point I don't know, considering his temper.
Mom must have speeded all the way back to the house. A few words were exchanged between them, out of our earshot, and now we're in a hotel room. It's a nice room, I gotta' say.
I didn't ask what words were exchanged, I don't really want to know. I'm just glad to be away from him. I'm glad my sister's away from him, too. I have never met anyone so perfectly incapable of empathy and so perfectly unwilling to understand the other side of an argument. Ever.
We'll see how the next few days go. but I think it would be hilarious if he held my laundry hostage after all this..
On another note entirely, I need a new book to read. I finished Rant a while ago.
I'm having one of those nights. I always have at least one of them here.
Last night I dreamt about home, and Loki, and Spider. I dreamt first that I smelled the green grass and the trees, a smell that is so prominent at home but nonexistant here. then I dreamt that Loki and I were upstairs and Spider and my sister were playing a game downstairs. I spent most of my time upstairs, because Loki.. well, I met him first and he still has a bit of my heart.. but I kept running downstairs to check on Spider and my sister.. to make sure they're okay.. to ask if they needed anything.. to spend time with them, too.
Spider was well aware of Loki existing in my room and hanging out with me, even though I didn't tell either of them the other was there (And neither saw the other come in). Loki just wondered why I kept running downstairs.. he assumed I just had to pee a lot that day..
It's sad the way that went...but it really did feel like home.. and I felt like I was bridging the gap between them, if only for an instant at a time, even though neither knew.. I was the one running back and forth.. their connection beyond awareness..it made me so happy.
Loki got so puzzled and annoyed with my absences that he left, eventually though.. of course without my knowing it.. but my Spider stayed.. she knew what I was doing and was thankful, even if she knew it wouldn't work. Even though I never told her what I was doing.
But the different thing about this dream out of all the recent ones was that Loki was alone.. he was there just to spend time with me.. and he genuinely wanted to. I woke up and felt that he was aware of me again, as myself. Not through his lover's eyes. I felt that he was aware of me and I was aware of him, too. the time still isn't right to talk to him again..I know that.
but when I signed online this morning, through the night he had signed on and changed his default picture to the one I had drawn for him/for us a long while ago. I was right. I feel so warm, even if it isn't love, his affection even from this far is enough. I don't need any more, anymore.
Dragon's been distant.. I worry.
Keir..the character that lives in the dark corner of my mind, I felt him move two days ago. I wrote about him and I can draw him again. This spells a bad omen for me..
Still.. I'm excited to know just how it'll go down, this time..
Last night I dreamt about home, and Loki, and Spider. I dreamt first that I smelled the green grass and the trees, a smell that is so prominent at home but nonexistant here. then I dreamt that Loki and I were upstairs and Spider and my sister were playing a game downstairs. I spent most of my time upstairs, because Loki.. well, I met him first and he still has a bit of my heart.. but I kept running downstairs to check on Spider and my sister.. to make sure they're okay.. to ask if they needed anything.. to spend time with them, too.
Spider was well aware of Loki existing in my room and hanging out with me, even though I didn't tell either of them the other was there (And neither saw the other come in). Loki just wondered why I kept running downstairs.. he assumed I just had to pee a lot that day..
It's sad the way that went...but it really did feel like home.. and I felt like I was bridging the gap between them, if only for an instant at a time, even though neither knew.. I was the one running back and forth.. their connection beyond awareness..it made me so happy.
Loki got so puzzled and annoyed with my absences that he left, eventually though.. of course without my knowing it.. but my Spider stayed.. she knew what I was doing and was thankful, even if she knew it wouldn't work. Even though I never told her what I was doing.
But the different thing about this dream out of all the recent ones was that Loki was alone.. he was there just to spend time with me.. and he genuinely wanted to. I woke up and felt that he was aware of me again, as myself. Not through his lover's eyes. I felt that he was aware of me and I was aware of him, too. the time still isn't right to talk to him again..I know that.
but when I signed online this morning, through the night he had signed on and changed his default picture to the one I had drawn for him/for us a long while ago. I was right. I feel so warm, even if it isn't love, his affection even from this far is enough. I don't need any more, anymore.
Dragon's been distant.. I worry.
Keir..the character that lives in the dark corner of my mind, I felt him move two days ago. I wrote about him and I can draw him again. This spells a bad omen for me..
Still.. I'm excited to know just how it'll go down, this time..
I dreamed I was blond.
That's nightmare enough, but no, I was also in a family reunion. Dear Christ I hate my family reunions.
My estranged uncle had come, and of course the family ignored him, just as they do to me. He didn't seem to care. He was in the dorko Trenchcoat and goth boots eating in a corner, reminded me sort of like that one guy from Gramma's Boy only 46 years old and with huge black-rimmed glasses.
So I spent hours trying to get someone to talk to me, and no one would. Finally my uncle snapped and grabbed me by the arm and lead me out the door. No one noticed. When we were outside, he let go of me, but was leading me to his huge black truck. "What gives?" I said.
"We're leaving," he said with dramatic finality. I shrugged, I was used to this tone of voice from some of my friends, and hopped in.
We went to Portland, to some unknown 24 hour cafe. I was outside half-assedly reading a paper when he asked me what I wanted to do. I said "I don't have any money." He told me he had five thousand bucks on him at that instant now what do you want to do.
"Uhhhh..." I said.. and couldn't think of anything on the spot. "Wait, how'd you get that much?"
"People in the industry"
"Oookay.. what industry?"
"If I told you I was an otter with a million dollars, would you believe me?" He looked at me dramatically over his shoulder. I was reminded of how much I hated Eagle vs. Shark.
He explained it as he lead me to his second large vehicle that he 'Has parked here in case he needed a getaway' that he's actually a mafia leader .. and the mafia he spoke of was the Furry Mafia.
I was so proud of myself that I didn't even hesitate, I kept talking like I wasn't about to laugh and make references from a certain Internet Hate Machine. He was dead serious. We ended p traveling all around America for some reason, and we were taken care of like he was ACTUALLY a mafia leader. I wasn't phased; I just liked room service.
At some point on our journey he reached for my hand, though. Then things got awkward.
Moral of the story: I'd rather be kidnapped by a furry millionaire uncle than go to Thanksgiving with the folks. Even if he has a crush on me.
I had a second dream, too.. something about being a boy trying to score a chick in the deep south. and it's hard to do, because I wouldn't date my sister. I had to go all the way to the next own over to find someone who wasn't my relative to date. D: AND SHE WAS BLOND TOO WHAT THE FUCK.
That's nightmare enough, but no, I was also in a family reunion. Dear Christ I hate my family reunions.
My estranged uncle had come, and of course the family ignored him, just as they do to me. He didn't seem to care. He was in the dorko Trenchcoat and goth boots eating in a corner, reminded me sort of like that one guy from Gramma's Boy only 46 years old and with huge black-rimmed glasses.
So I spent hours trying to get someone to talk to me, and no one would. Finally my uncle snapped and grabbed me by the arm and lead me out the door. No one noticed. When we were outside, he let go of me, but was leading me to his huge black truck. "What gives?" I said.
"We're leaving," he said with dramatic finality. I shrugged, I was used to this tone of voice from some of my friends, and hopped in.
We went to Portland, to some unknown 24 hour cafe. I was outside half-assedly reading a paper when he asked me what I wanted to do. I said "I don't have any money." He told me he had five thousand bucks on him at that instant now what do you want to do.
"Uhhhh..." I said.. and couldn't think of anything on the spot. "Wait, how'd you get that much?"
"People in the industry"
"Oookay.. what industry?"
"If I told you I was an otter with a million dollars, would you believe me?" He looked at me dramatically over his shoulder. I was reminded of how much I hated Eagle vs. Shark.
He explained it as he lead me to his second large vehicle that he 'Has parked here in case he needed a getaway' that he's actually a mafia leader .. and the mafia he spoke of was the Furry Mafia.
I was so proud of myself that I didn't even hesitate, I kept talking like I wasn't about to laugh and make references from a certain Internet Hate Machine. He was dead serious. We ended p traveling all around America for some reason, and we were taken care of like he was ACTUALLY a mafia leader. I wasn't phased; I just liked room service.
At some point on our journey he reached for my hand, though. Then things got awkward.
Moral of the story: I'd rather be kidnapped by a furry millionaire uncle than go to Thanksgiving with the folks. Even if he has a crush on me.
I had a second dream, too.. something about being a boy trying to score a chick in the deep south. and it's hard to do, because I wouldn't date my sister. I had to go all the way to the next own over to find someone who wasn't my relative to date. D: AND SHE WAS BLOND TOO WHAT THE FUCK.
You know what I realized.. is that my parents both really, really love me. But they sing such different songs. I'm burdened because I can't dance to both, but the frequency and clashing of their songs, that sometimes make me deaf and angry and annoyed, it's all just love.
Very, very heavy love.
Today was really good.. it was perfect weather, and we went out and enjoyed it at the lake, I sat down and drew 3 pictures in under 8 hours.. full ones, that I'm proud of even. Here's one of them up top, of my "Ducky" and his "Ashling"..
Yeah.. mom asked me if I'd consider staying an extra month so that I may watch the house while they're on vacation, and I agreed. I'm having fun, this time. I'm not ready to go home yet. There's something I'm working on here that if I go home, won't be finished.
I sawr my aunt recently.. she's well, but I'm afraid we're very awkward around each other. Ah well... still had fun.
I'll leave you with my latest series of short stories..
--
He blew pink smoke out his nose that night. I knew it had to be bad; hardly ever out of his whole rainbow collection of cigarettes does he pick pink.
Well... either that, or he's running low.
"You're mumbling to yourself again," He said curtly, abruptly stopping my thought process and causing me to fluster.
Yep, he had a bad night. I stood up straight.
"I do that often.."
"I noticed." the cigarette shifted in his mouth, he raised the gun higher to polish the hard-to-reach areas I couldn't name yet.
"Magazine...Safety..." He names as he goes along, idly trying to cement the components in my head. I, of course, recognize this and shift my attention to other things. With luck on his end, the lesson will stick in my psyche..
"So where did you come from?" I'd asked a million times by now, I must have. I bet he secretly keeps count. I bet he'll make up mathematical components based on this number of times I've asked, I bet that number will be so cemented in his head, I'll have my own mathematical symbol. the Elizas Can Be Incrdibly Annoying Symbol. ☄
"The stars are beautiful tonight, aren't they?"
"I really want to know."
"Y'know, for just $1,000, you an buy a star? Incredible, what can be purchased with money these days. 'Yes, folks, buy your fiancee a wedding gift she'll never forget: A simple dot in the sky that you can hardly see, of something that used to exist. Buy her a memory of a dot for just 1k!' "
"Really, Rant; you don't seem like a part of.."
"All the rage in Italy, folks!"
"I'm serious.."
He put the gun down, dropping his tone, his energy shifting at once to annoyance. He walked up and put his face uncomfortably close to mine, close enough so that I could smell the oil he'd cyphoned out of the 'Monster that day on his breath, the heat of his cigarette, even threateningly close to my too-soft cheek. "Listen," he began.
"Listen to me."
"I told you once thatI came from a part that doesn't exist yet, and I mean that. I cam from a part that at one time did exist and MAYBE, if you're lucky, WILL exist again. I come from a possible future and a definite past, Ashling." Any closer and he'd burn me.
"And these questions.." He shifted up slightly, looking down his nose at me, half sensuously admiringly and half death-threat. He scoffed slightly and lowered his eyes as he stood upright.
"These questions are lowering your chances."
He walked away and left me standing there in the darkness for a good minute or two, with me and the Nothing in the Wonderland night, nothing except the gun slightly catching the light of the moon.
I'd be running back to Heaven once again alone in an hour or two.
----
"Took you a while to catch up."
"Shut up, the motorcycle was MOVING...You made me CHASE it..."
He snickered, I scowled and pressed my chin firmly into his back, expecting him to jump, or something. Of course he didn't. Which in turn made me more annoyed.
"Hey, Rant?"
"What."
"What's your Power Animal?"
He thought a moment about this one, tossed one almost-finished cigarette into the Wonderland night (Of course this started a fire, but we were here for the intention of destruction) Lit a new one, and smirked audibly. "Slyde?" He asked, mockingly.
"No, no.. but yes..I want to know."
"Tell me yours first," He said. the smirk toyed with his voice and it was obvious he was attempting to contain something. I couldn't come up with one for a long moment. "fox..?" I said shyly. "Cat?"
"Wrong," He said. "You don't have one. And of course, if you don't have one, I don't either. Besides,the whole system is.. how you say?... homosexual? Gay." another cigarette into the darkness, another one lit. Another fire behind us.
"Why do you say that?!" There was nothing inside me that said anything like this. I really do believe in Guiding Spirits of all shapes and forms.. I just can't find mine. I've been told I don't have one. I don't know.
"If you say you have a Guiding Spirit.. you're confining your behavior into a box of characteristics. You're confining yourself into the behavioral patterns of a creature that may or may not, actually be Guiding you," He said. "Say a cat spirit is trying to... lead you astray...from what you really should be looking at." He looked over his shoulder to see the face he knew I was making.
WHAT?!
"I suppose the only useful animal spirit would be either a bird or a human," He continued. "Then you'd either be asshole enough to admit you're just a lowly asshole, or backed away enough to look at the big picture." Another cigarette; this rate told me he was getting excited.
I wasn't, I was completely deflated at this point.
"My guiding animal is Human," He finished.."I love these fucking aposable thumbs."
I fell silent and held onto him, through the alleyway leading up to the hospital, my least favorite one in the whole area.
---
Ducky and Ashling ranted on, talking at length through Wonderland's shiny night about their beliefs, which was right and which was wrong, and ultimately agreeing that cosmically, none of this donkey jizz mattered,so why even bother. After that it was silence for a while.
Ducky Nudged Ashling out of an hour's worth of sleep when they came up to the Hospital again. he wanted her to operate the gun. she fumbled with it twice and aimed clumsily, shot, and reloaded. Two of the resident zombies faltered and fell and of course Ducky laughed. Ashling shot more, getting the feel of the kickback, and Ducky told her where to shoot. Zombies were dying again everywhere; whatever wasn't felled by Ashling's bad aim, was felled by Rant's trusty Nailbat.
"Eliza!" He'd cry out, cig still clenched between his teeth, "cover me! I'm going in close range." She'd fumble and load the gun with all sorts of goodies, anything from sewing needles to pancakes were shot through that poor piece of metal, and eac one had a different effect on a different person. The best example was that a blueberry cupcake would turn a rotted-through zombie into a ripened tomato, the salmonella-giving kind.
---
"Ash-"
Mmph... my Mushroom.. my snuggly, bouncy, candy Mushroom.. I just took it from Wonka hisself and I'm running, running... laughing...
"ASH-"
Tripping.. falling....there it goes...
"ASHLING--"
It flew out of my hands....
"GODDAMMIT"
Noooo!!!! MUSHROOM!! "FUCK YOU WONKA!" I screamed, opened my eyes to find my own Wonka laying over me and glowering. "Ashlinggoddammit"
"What?!" I pushed him off, leaned over rubbed my face in my hands goddamn Wonka. Where's my pink shroom when I need it fuck give me coffee.
Coffee was shoved into my hands, and I woke up and looked around; we were at the cliff just off the path to that damned Hospital.
"We've got to leave soon. You slept in again." I only noticed that today his cigarette was purple, and that it signified something, but I don't know what... uhh... Sssip.
"C'mon, drink up. Fionn's waiting for us." He sighed, sat down, rested his only arm on his knee and watched me drink, sharply so I'd feel pressured. I was used to it; I didn't.
"Where's Fionn?" I asked idly, watching the sun rise. It was only 5pm, why's it rising so early?
"She's at the top of the Hospital, wants us to go in after her," he said. I dropped my soda.
"Fuck this, I'm going back to Heaven,"
"Nope." He smiled. "You're coming with me. This is necessary."
"I dropped my grape juice," I admitted with defeat. "Rant..." He wasn't paying any attention, of course, he mounted his Monster and revved, held out his hand to me.
"but my hot cocoa..."
"Nevermind that, get on." I did, and held fast to him as we took off, finally heading to what we've been tiptoeing around for the last couple days.
"Did you know that if you drink Grapefruit juice while you're on Verapamil, you'll get sick? Same for Pomegranate juice."
..
"I miss MY Pomegranate juice..."
---
Ashling had put off going to the Hospital, distracted Ducky with one of his favorite things - Gainax.
After staying up all night listening to Rant bawl about Camina's death, Ashling was a little vexed. He felt better now, of course, but only because he's attached himself to another character: Unsurprisingly, Viral.
"But how can I be so attached to a BAD guy?!" Rant was glued to the TV, mostly talking to himself.
"It's really, REALLY funny how anywhere other than your fanworld, good and evil don't exist, but here it does..."
Rant whipped around to look at her when he said it: "Shut up, Ashling." his commanding tone did nothing for her and she smirked.
"You know, you need to be more like your Yoko idol.."
"I AM TOO LIKE YOKO!"
"No, you're more like.. Yoko/Kaoru/Niya/Simon/Mamimi... with a hint of Shinji..." He was full smiling, now.
"I am NOT like Shinji! I hate Shinji!" But of course her Rant wasn't paying attention. "Do me next! Me next!" Ashling sighed and thought a moment. Ducky actually paused the anime to listen.
"You're... a lot like Camina.. somewhat like Yoko.. and Viral.. and ...does Chuck Pulhaniuk have an anime character?..if so, then him, and also Haruko. Yeah, a lot like Haruko. And that kid's pervert dad."
"You need to be more like Yoko..." Rant repeated absent-mindedly, having stopped listening a bit ago.
"WHY DO YOU 100% BUY INTO THIS SHIT?!"
Ashling took his cigarettes, picked out his infamous pink-I'm-Pissed one, and lit up.
-----------------------
